Beluga, March-May 2017

Beluga “Despereaux” Hamster crossed the Rainbow Bridge on Monday, May 22nd, 2017. Born in March of 2017, his short life was marked with both tragedy and triumph. He was the youngest of 3 brothers, and stated that his adoption day was the happiest day of his life, speaking to the innocence of the time period…albeit long, long ago.

He was adopted by Kelly and placed equally under the care of Sara, along with his brothers Sweet Cheeks and Hope. They took up residence inside 2 ample cages, replete with snacks and exercise rooms. The first week was tranquil, filled with warmth and cuddles, both human and rodent alike.

Photo courtesy of Olan Mills, shown top to bottom as Beluga, Sweet Cheeks, and Hope…or Sweet Cheeks, Beluga, and Hope….or Hope, Sweet Cheeks, Beluga…screw it. No one can actually tell hamsters apart.

Upon reaching adolescence at Day #8, life took an unfortunate turn when Beluga was accepted into Carnegie Mellon’s School of Music and Sweet Cheeks and Hope failed to matriculate into the halls of higher education. The roots of jealousy were sown, and the elder brothers joined the Hamster Mafia, changing their names to Bugsy Barbosa and Fats “The Cheeseman” Mangano. They started small by knocking over Mom & Pop lettuce stands, but quickly moved into trucking, heisting entire shipments of sunflower seeds.

Meanwhile, Beluga’s musical career took flight at a speed previously unknown in the world of Winter White Dwarf Hamsters. His folksy-bluesy style charmed both audiences and critics alike, and he signed with Hamtone Records on his 14th day of life.

His first big hit, “This Maze Is My Maze, This Maze Is Your Maze” won both a Hammy-Grammy and a Radio Disney Music Award. However, fame and the pressures that come with it only served to further alienate him from his brothers.

During a college break, he was viciously attacked and nearly lost an eye at the hands of his own family. It was a dark time for him, which he poured into song on his second album, “Never Break The First Rule of Fight Club”. The first single off that album went Pumpkin Seed-Gold, but even the worldwide success of “My Brothers are Assholes” could not heal his emotional wounds.

On his first US tour, “The Perfidy Tour”, he took on the stage name “Despereaux”, changing his normal glitzy costuming down to a single, red thread. It was then his entourage noticed a marked change in his appearance and behavior.

The previously jovial and social hamster stayed mostly to himself, biting anyone who came near him. His stage hands had to wear protective gloves just to complete a simple mic check. His closest handlers dared not whisper their true fears, but secretly they all suspected that the artist formerly known as Beluga was descending into madness.

His Mother was flown to be by his side and cozy pouches were sewn. Treats and toothbrush massages were begun in earnest. But even the love of the world’s softest human could not turn the crazy tide. He lost weight, and an apple chunk addiction was suspected.

Around-the-clock vigils were started, and while there will always be skeptics, some think his greatest poetry was written during this feverish time in his life. “Sara Forgot She Left Me In A Translucent Ball” and “The Wheel Going Nowhere” saw modest, but respectable placement on the music billboard charts. Later works such as “Stalked By Gigantic Meowing Hamsters” and “This Stubby Tail Makes No Sense From An Evolutionary Perspective” made it clear to his fan-base that the end was near.

In his final days, he forgave his brothers for their treachery, but it was not enough to save them from their own fate. They are currently serving life sentences in the Hamcatraz Prison, under the tyrannous watch of the infamous warden “Big Red”.

After being discovered legs-up with an itsy-bitsy bottle of booze at his side, Beluga was laid to rest in a tiny coffin under a rose bush. The coroner ruled his cause of death as “Failure to Thrive”, but we know he died from a broken heart. The rain fell dark and gently, and his grave was bravely dug by his own Mother, at her insistence. Words of love were spoken, along with laughter at his many escapades. “We Love You BLUE…ga!” was chanted by fans as chopped up grapes were thrown over his grave.

We will never forget you Beluga, and your weird, squeaky music will ring in our hearts forever.