The Proper Way To Learn How To Swim

By Sara Felice

Step 1: Get a Godfather, a floatie ring, and some goggles.

Step 2: Become reasonably airborne.

Step 3: Learn to go underwater.  Repeat for a week, and you will be able to swim.

Insert Note From Mom: Do these steps after you’ve paid for a winter of YMCA Swimming Lessons and spent a summer bobbing around in the pool.

I realized this morning that while the girls have several games they play, every game has the exact same construct.  For example, they often tell me they are playing, “Little Red Riding Hood” or “Berry Picking” or “Go to School”; each game involves a menagerie of costumes and props, slightly different with each game, so it wasn’t until this morning that I realized they are ALL THE SAME GAME. Here is the outline:

(1) They are going somewhere, a journey, if you will.

(2) They are late, and there will be much running involved, always from their playroom into our closet.

(3) Headgear is required: a play scarf (Little Red Riding Hood), a Raccoon Skin Hat (Berry Picking), etc. Tiaras are usually employed at some point in every game, as no matter WHAT game they are playing, everyone always ends up as a princess, living in a castle.

(4) There will be an emergency that will involve more running (usually a monster or dragon attack), lots of yelling, and invariably will occur while they are wearing my high heels.  I have little need these days for red suede slingbacks, but if I do need them, they are probably under the girls’ beds.

(5) The emergency will require them to drop whatever they are holding, spreading random props from one end of the house to the other.

So there you have it, the Unigame: put something on your head, grab a basket, run around in high heels while screaming.  Oh my gosh…I just realized the name of the game…they are playing SORORITY.  Don’t take offense if you are a sister.  There is a reason I know this game, and the propensity to play it is apparently genetic.

We’ve nearly survived 1 full week of both girls in school.  Was that 1 week?  Because really, it has felt like a month.  We were warned by everyone: the first month is a tough transition.  Exhaustion.  Oddly short tempers.  Adding in Sara going from half day to full day and Kelly starting preschool…we should be prepared for some difficult afternoons and evenings.  What they didn’t say was “difficult” would be defined as my 3 year slapping me in the face (WHAT?!), and my 5 year old swinging so wildly between moods that I’m thinking of slipping Xanax into the drinking water.  Mine of course.  I’m very thirsty. For water…right, WATER.

There has been a whole lot of this.  But not dozing off, no.  Just children going from 100 mph to dead asleep, almost in the middle of sentences.

Even though I wouldn’t let Sara wear the famous candy corn socks with her pastel dress (apparently they go with EVERYTHING, can’t you tell?), I let Kelly.  Kelly went from boldly confident to a sudden, “I’m not going to school and I’m going to cry at the door and hang on Mommy with my entire life force.” I thought maybe her favorite socks would bring her comfort.  Sadly, no.  We sacrificed fashion and realized zero benefit.

Kelly’s doing a lot of this as well, but much like Sara, not in her usual pattern.  She screams all the way to naptime, and then falls asleep before I can reach the door most days.  Our sleep schedules are so wacky right now, I really have no words.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is getting done around here.

As if drop offs weren’t tough enough, my usual peaceful coexistence with Kelly in the house has turned a bit, um, sour.  Lots of hanging on me.  Lots of mischief.  Lots and lots of mayhem.  Finally Kelly admitted to her teacher, in so many words, that she feared she wasn’t my baby anymore.  OH!  Just because she’s been attached to my hip her entire life?  She’s such a confident child, I never anticipated she’d feel this way.  She left school today with her usual bright smile and yelling at the top of her lungs, “I LOVE IT!  I did everything and everything was my favorite!” And I answered it lots of hugs and cuddles and I told her she was my girl, and would always be my baby.  She smiled and said, “It’s OK Mommy.  I’m a big girl.  I love you my dear.”  And so I think, we may be on the road to remedy with Baby Kelly Belly.

We’re taking it a day at a time.  “Won’t wear pants” Sara is now scrounging around for shorts so she can hang upside down on the monkey bars with her cadre of girlfriends.  Kelly is reliving Sara’s early days of “extreme clothing choices”.  Every night we seem to be crawling into bed earlier and earlier.  Soon we’ll be wearing our pjs to afternoon pick up so we can go to bed the second we get home.  But we’re having smooth mornings and we’re getting to school early, and for me?  Getting anywhere on time consistently?  I’m not going to ask for more than that.  Well, that, and maybe for someone to pack the lunch boxes.  IDEAS?  Week 1, and I’m out of ideas already!  Not good considering I have 13 years to go.  Labor Day weekend might be coming at the right time for this house.  Happy September Friends!

‘Tis the season TO EAT.  It’s end of summer, so this Labor Day Weekend, get thee to a Farmer’s Market!  I went yesterday and could barely carry my haul home.  YUMMY, this bowl of tomatoes is almost empty not even 24 hours later.  I remember the first time I walked through Indy’s downtown Farmer’s Market at the City Market. I am a slave to recipes and I didn’t know what to buy.  I just browsed through, thinking, geez, I wish I were a chef with ideas popping into my head.

After 3 summers of browsing, things now come to mind, and well, let’s be honest, maybe a few too many things.  So, just to get your taste buds started, here is what you see:

Turkey breast medallions with tomato jam (cooking on my stove right now and smelling like HEAVEN)

Arnold’s Fried Green Tomatoes

A turkey and bacon club sandwich that I ate for lunch

Cherry tomato, cheese, and melon kabobs in Sara’s lunch box

A fresh spinach salad topped with cherry tomatoes, Fontina cheese, drizzled with fig balsamic vinegar and Hojiblanca extra virgin olive oil (Which Greg and I inhaled last night; I think we licked the plates.)

Calling fellow whole foods enthusiasts, tell me what you’re cooking this holiday weekend!  Oh heck, the more the merrier: calling ALL FOOD ENTHUSIASTS!  Tell me what you are eating this holiday weekend!

Sara wearing my hat on her 1st birthday during our beach vacation

Whenever I say something my Grandfather particularly likes (and especially when I give him presents!), he says, “You’re OK Kid.  You’re alright.”  Those words will forever ring in my ears, followed by the warm feeling of joy that only a grandparent can give you.  Sara earned that phrase from me in a surprising turn of events Sunday evening.  It started when, in a fit of exhaustion and frustration, Sara threw her favorite headband out of the minivan and onto Avery’s front lawn.

Mommy: That was not a good choice.  You know what happens to things you throw.

Sara: They go to charity.  But it’s my FAVORITE headband!

Mommy: And I’m sure a little girl who doesn’t have any headbands will appreciate yours and will never throw it on the ground.

Sara: OH NO! (Followed by gnashing of teeth and much grieving).

Mommy: I’ll make you a deal.  Yours is pretty old.  If you give me a dollar from your piggy bank, I’ll let you buy your headband back from me, and I’ll buy a brand new headband to give to some little girl without any headbands.  Or maybe some food for a little girl without any food.

Sara: Well, if you’re going to buy food for a girl who is hungry, you had better take $2. Wait, no.  You had better take it all.  Just empty out my piggy bank and feed that girl.

Mommy: You’re alright kid.  $2 will suffice.  Here is your headband.

Sara wearing my hat on the morning of her 5th birthday during our beach vacation

Kelly started preschool at Sara’s school…FINALLY.  Her first “official” day was Friday, and she is in Sara’s original class with the 3 original teachers.  It was quite a celebration.  Kelly first viewed her classroom when she was 4 months old, so needless to say, she’s been looking forward to going to Sara’s school for quite some time.  I wish I could have videotaped her squealing conversation when I picked her up.  There was ART CLASS!  And there was a SNAACCKK!! Did I know that she LOVES snacks?!  AND, AND, AND…MOMMY, I saw SARAAAA on the playground and she pushed me on the SWINGS!   I nearly teared up at the thought of them running into each other at recess, hugging, out of Mommy’s sight, being all big-girly and independent.  Awesome. Let’s enjoy it now, because someday, they’ll bump into each other in the high school hallway, realize they each stealthily looked into the others closet that morning and stole a sweater, rip those sweaters off in silence protest, throw them on the floor at each others feet…not that this story in ANY way ever happened to me or Aunt Jenny or involved a prized Bennetton sweater I might have “borrowed without asking” from her closet, or my favorite Limited icy pink sweater….you get the idea….

Dear Sara, aka The Duck Who Wiggles,

You turned 5, and that has been so monumental to you that every day since, you awaken, run to my side and say, “I can’t believe I get to be 5 again today.” This afternoon, in a moment of near meltdown, you said, “No, I am FIVE.  I am NOT GOING TO DO THIS NOW.” I wanted to jump up and down, do the hokey pokey and buy you new shoes, but that would have sent the wrong message, so I just said, “Good choice Sara…well played.”  But in my head, you should know, that moment was shoe-worthy.  I choose shoes because last week as we walked into the shoe store you exclaimed, “Shoes are better than ice cream!”  That expression showed up about a decade earlier than I expected, but a few days after Kelly said, “DAMNIT! I think I’m going to blow my head off!”, and I realized it’s possible neither of you have any idea what you are saying.  To clarify for our readers: first, I forgot how very PG-13 the movie “Uncle Buck” is, and because your tiny sister saw 10 minutes of it, she is now a miniature John Candy.  It’s not as cute as it sounds.  Second, she overheard me reading Junie B. Jones saying, “If you keep a secret, your head will explode”, and she translated that to, “I’m going to blow my head off”; because I momentarily lost the ability to dead pan expression her latest and greatest outburst, she now knows how shocking that phrase is…meaning, she is saying it every 2 minutes, along with the word “POOPY! POOOOPPPY!”.  Knowing she’s not allowed to use bathroom words outside of the bathroom, I often hear her giggling under her breath and saying her modified version, “Poi Poi”.   Damn you John Hughes and your funny movies. But I digress.  [Read more →]

I am so excited to introduce you to Carole Cardemon and her company, “The Reward Chain”.  Carole and I were sorority sisters many (ahem…many) years ago.  She became a top notch Kindergarten teacher before deciding to stay at home with her 4 children.  From there, she capitalized on a REALLY GOOD idea that she uses with her own kids: The Reward Chain.  It’s a simple concept (always the hallmark of a great idea); it’s less messy, easier to use, and far more motivating to our daughters than a Reward Chart.

The basic premise is the earning of links that form a chain and end in a reward; similar to a chart you paid too much for at United Arts and Education, and then you added a ton of stickers, making the whole tool come to around the $20 mark.  Oh wait, was that just me?  So next time I decided to make my own chart with markers and a ruler, only I kept misplacing the tiny stickers, and I tried to get a 3 year old to understand that good behavior had something to do with sticking a tiny fish into a little box.  She was determined to DO IT HERSELF, thank you very much, making the messy lines of stickers almost impossible to count or follow, unless you are a Chaotician.    Reward charts had their drawbacks at our house, and we abandoned as many as we began.

The Reward Chain, on the other hand…well, kids GET IT because they can SEE IT.  These hang on their bedroom doors, and I keep the links right inside a drawer by the door.  It’s easy peasy.  Each color of chain has a different phrase such as, “Wow”, and “Excellent”.  Kelly spent all of today determined to earn a “Super Kid” chain.  When the links hit the bottom of the door, they’ve earned their reward, which for this round, the girls are going to the movies.  The REAL ones, with the big screen and popcorn in a bucket (they asked me to specify for you the BIG and REAL part).  Because they tend to follow each other off the Cliff of Bad Behavior like spazzed out lemmings, I’ve told them “we win as a team, we die as a team…no one goes to the movies until everyone’s chain hits the floor”.  I’ve thereby turned Sara into the world’s youngest drill sergeant.  Today at Wal-Mart I heard her say, “Kelly, pull yourself together.  Good behavior at Wal-Mart is a CHAIN!”

The other mistake I made with the chart was by having too many “issues” in process at the same time; I also tried to get them to STOP doing something as opposed to getting them to START doing something.  I can hear my acting coach in my head right now, “Come from the LOVE Lori.  Even in anger, bring it to stage from the love.” I wanted to get consistency right, so I focused on 2, well, um, let’s call them “issues”: good behavior while running errands and picking up without being nagged.  When the girls get bored while waiting for me on errands, they do ROOTIE KAZOOTIE I AM SO NOT RELATED TO THESE CHILDREN kind of things.  They once scaled and pulled down an entire end cap at JoAnn Fabrics.  What can I say?!  It happened so fast! They usually end up strangling each other (literally) and rolling around on the floor like a couple of pro wrestlers.  Separate them by sticking one in a cart, and the cart kid will attempt to catapult out in a body slam maneuver.  It’s impressive to witness, but hard to explain to the ER staff.  Embarrassing doesn’t begin to encompass my emotions.  No amount of consequences or early bedtimes changed their behavior, which I found baffling.  The end cap fiasco landed them both in bed at 6:30. Hello?  I put them to bed at SIX-THIRTY.  How did that not make a dent?  Then we started the chains, and today, I swear on my life, the check out lady at Wal-Mart complimented me on the awesome behavior of my respectful daughters.  I nearly fell over.  I grabbed the phone and started calling everyone I knew.  When we left Meijer today, the Greeter asked us to come back.  Greeters usually spend most of our hello and goodbye time shooting dagger-style looks my way. These are rare times friends.  Rare times.

When we got home and had snacks, and again, I swear on my life this happened, Sara came out of the laundry room with her tiny broom and dustpan and said, “We made a mess with our crackers.”  She quietly swept up every last crumb.  She didn’t even ask for a chain, but Lord knows I ran upstairs, grabbing breathlessly at the chains, trying to simultaneously give myself oxygen before I passed out from disbelief.  Kelly put up every single toy in her room before going to the Zoo.  Sara picked up the playroom yesterday without being asked.  If we are in a store, and I say “look with your eyes, but not with your hands”, they do.  It’s like…my children grew EARS.

I’m really enjoying this style of parenting.  If you think your house could benefit from such a tool, please consider ordering your Reward Chains from my friend Carole.  The chains are not reusable, but very affordable. Every bag holds enough for 2 chains, and comes with sticky tack to hold it to the door.  We’ve been “chaining” now for about a month, and the girls are probably a week or so away from reaching the floor on their first chain.  They are so proud of themselves.  It has given them a sense of accomplishment and an understanding of what “making good choices” means.  I have always believed in the saying, “Success begets success”.  Now that they know how good it feels to get regular praise from Mommy and Daddy, it’s acts as a snowball.  Kids who win, keep on winning.

I’ve also created a link to her website in the upper right sidebar of the blog.  As I’ve said too many times to count…in parenting, wisdom comes suddenly, doesn’t it?

Do you remember the moment in childhood when you first conceived of the vastness of the ocean?  That moment was transcendent for me, and occurred just a few miles north of this very spot.  The gentle pounding of the waves resonated deep within me, somehow conveying the message that we are all connected.  Maybe contemplating this seemingly endless expansiveness allows us to let go of our worries, knowing the ocean is far more overwhelming than our small existence.  Perhaps it is just a product of having all of our senses turned on at the same time that brings us a peaceful feeling of inner balance.  I knew I would return to the shoreline, again and again.  Sara, here is your moment, which occurred at Year 5, Day 2, approximately 7 pm.  As our family’s dedicated historian, watching Sara’s face change right before I ran behind her to grab this photo was like catching a rainbow in my hands.

A) We’re home!  From a lovely and far, far away vacation.  The girls were golden on the long ride, but I think 14.5 hours on the way home may have been our breaking point.  B) Greg can NEVER wait to give me a present.  He goes nuts at Christmas, because he has to wait, save the years when he doesn’t, begging me to open gifts on the 20th.  He comes up with pointless clues, hints, and then swears he can’t hide it any longer, I’m sure to find it and ruin the surprise…so I must open it immediately.  I love this man.

Tonight, after pulling into the house after the long drive home, he heard me reading the girls to sleep with “We Had A Picnic This Sunday Past”, quite possibly my all-time favorite childrens book.   He stood at the doorway, just jumping out of his skin with my anniversary present, which is, you guessed it, a picnic basket!  It’s a backpack, my favorite carrying style of all-time, and has a large section on the back for food and ice and drinks.  The side has clips for blanket rolls, and the inside, as you can see, is full of the wonderful things I always forget.  I’m as excited as he is.  We’re big picnic’ers in this house.  Hardly a week goes by that a friend doesn’t call me up and ask us to meet for a picnic.  THIS IS JUST PERFECT!!

True to his tradition, our 7th wedding anniversary is still a week and a half away.  Which gives me just enough time to fix my sucky gift to him.  SUCK-EE.  No one can compete with the world’s most perfect picnic basket backpack!  Wait, unless I can find a way to turn him into a REAL Ninja…gotta run….