Wisdom Comes Suddenly

A Completely Hypothetical Question

May 19th, 2009 · 9 Comments

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OK, so here’s a parenting dilemma.  A HYPOTHETICAL parenting dilemma.  Let’s say that you spent the day with your daughters in your hometown, gardening at your parents house (insert any scenario in which you are approximately 1.5 hours drive from your home).  Your kids missed naps.  You are driving home late in the afternoon, after having guzzled, say, I don’t know, let’s just pick something: an EXTRA LARGE SUPER SIZED sweet tea from McDonald’s.  You were thirsty.  And apparently in need of ingesting 2000 liquid calories.

So you’re driving, humming along…”come sail away, come SAIL away, come SAIL AWAY with me…”, having a grand ‘ole time, and both girls fall into a deep sleep while watching some Mickey Mouse Christmas video.  I’m not saying my kids watch Christmas videos in May, but no judgments if you are watching “The Great Pumpkin” at this very minute.  When suddenly,  you realize that not only do you have to pee, but if you don’t pee in the next few minutes, your bladder might explode, killing you instantly while you are commandeering a large minivan down a well-traveled Hoosier interstate.

Do you:

A) Just pee.  Hell, it’s a mini-van, it’s seen worse.  When your girlfriends told you to get leather because it cleans up easier, you are thanking God you took their advice.

B) Try to grab a diaper, because you heard about a Mommy’s trick on Oprah, and while at the time, it sounded horribly ridiculous, at this moment, it is striking you as sheer genius.

C) Curse your husband for taking the toddler port-o-potty out of the hatch.

D) Pull over at the next exit, wake up the two girls, who will, without question, scream their little heads off as you carry them both into a McDonalds which will have the cleanest bathrooms (and they owe you after the sweet tea); knowing the 3 year old will then start screaming that she has to PEE RIGHT NOW, and you’ll have to juggle holding her on the toilet while holding the tired 1 year old who will definitely still be screaming, and then when you come out of the bathroom, they will smell fries, and it’s 5 pm, so the screaming will turn to sheer hysteria if you don’t buy them fries, thereby immediately ruining their appetites and the $10 salmon filet you have thawing in the fridge, along with the fact that you’ll have to fight your own inner voice begging for fries and more sweet tea.  AND, it will take you so long to yank them both out of their ninja car seats that you’ll probably pee right there in the McDonald’s parking lot anyway.

E) Realize you are wearing your favorite sweatshirt, rip it off, tuck it underneath you, and pray you’ll make it home.  (1) Maybe you do make it home safe and dry, (2) maybe you don’t.

If you chose D, you clearly do not have children.  Choice B is the smartest, but as it turns out, the diaper bag is well out of reach, and everyone knows slowing down a minivan with sleeping kids will turn into “Speed, The Mommy Version” in which the kids wake up and yell so loudly, that the entire car explodes.  Not to mention you have a preschooler.  Pull a stunt like that, and the entire Early Childhood Wing at her school will know about it before snack time tomorrow.  Damnit…hypothetically.

So let’s just take a wild stab, and say that you go with Choice E, Part (2).

Next dilemma: the husband.  If he finds out, he will add this scenario to his arsenal of embarrassing wife stories, which is already overflowing.  Which makes no sense to you, because after 2 pregnancies, 21 hours of labor, 2 C-sections, and 10 months of breast feeding, along with one nightmarish road trip in which you were pregnant AND experiencing an unreal case of salmonella poisoning, you truly wonder WHAT MORE CAN THIS MAN REMEMBER?  He can’t remember that you have Pilates every Monday at 5:30, but somehow, he remembers that a billion years ago, you threw up at a disgusting Arby’s when you were pregnant?  And hey, wasn’t that funny?  REALLY, can peeing in a minivan top your water breaking?  CAN IT?!

On with our questions: you get home.  Every neighbor, along with their pets, friends, several relatives…are all out in your cul-de-sac.  Why?  Today?  I don’t know, but there they are.  You rush into the house only to realize your husband is in the backyard.  YES!  You yell to him to get the girls out of the car, and you manage to get the clothes into the washer and changed before he even gets into the house with Child #1.

Wow.  You deserve some kind of badge.  Motherhood Survival Skills: Bodily Functions & Accidents Mastery.  You can pin it right next to your badge titled, “My newborn pooped all over my shirt that was also covered in leaking breast milk as I sat in the OB’s waiting room at my first postpartum visit”.

You are off the hook.  But then you realize:

A) By keeping this story to yourself, you are laughing alone, and

B) It’s no fun to laugh at yourself, all by yourself, and

C) Every Mother in the world has walked in these shoes.  Or peed in her car.  Whatever, no judgments.

It’s your quiz.  You get to choose your own answers.  This didn’t happen to me today.  NOT AT ALL.  This entire scenario is completely hypothetical.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some clothes to put in the dryer…

Tags: The Girls

9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Lydia // May 19, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    O. M. G. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • 2 DeAnna // May 20, 2009 at 5:58 am

    That was hysterical…. Thanks for the laugh Lori. Hope all is well.

  • 3 Goomomma // May 20, 2009 at 10:52 am

    Back in the day…I kept an empty Hellmans mayo glass jar under the drivers seat for all kinds of bladder emergencies – adult and children alike. It also served as a firefly holder, snake cage and cute little vomit bucket…. always remember to have the jar lid intact! These days I’d just invest in a female urinal . Keep laughing!! loves and hugs~~

  • 4 Aunt Jenny // May 20, 2009 at 11:54 am

    You admitted to a bodily function on the internet. I’m too traumatized to comment. Must… get… to… therapy… AHHH!!!!

  • 5 The Momma // May 20, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    Aunt Jenny,

    Me or you?

    HAHAHAHAHA. I know you are thinking me, but girl, I need to let you in on a little secret only we nurses know: EVERYBODY PEES. While 1 daughter may have weakened your bladder, you should see what 2 daughters have done to mine.

    Lori 🙂

  • 6 Aunt Jenny // May 20, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    That’s just crazy talk – I don’t have a bladder.

  • 7 Grandma Sally // May 20, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    Thanks for the heads up. Next time I drive your car I will remember to bring my own cushion. ALL mothers have done some crazy things not to wake sleeping babies. You will probably do some more crazy things before you are done. Love MOM

  • 8 Ana Paula // May 20, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Girl,

    That is better than leaving the girls in the car ALONE and going into a place to pee, right?
    You are such a great mom! I am so proud of you! 🙂 Of course, hypotetically speaking! hahahah!

    Miss you a lot!

  • 9 ange // May 22, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    hilarious! thanks for the good laugh. i’d do anything not to wake them up as well.