Wisdom Comes Suddenly

Pinterest Cooking Rules

September 25th, 2012 · 8 Comments

 

After a nice bike ride in my cheetah coat, I like to stop and pick a few carrots. Then I look up Pinterest recipes, and whip up a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, dripping with caramel, and topped with a root beer sauced Dorito crumb layer. I serve it on a bed of quinoa.  AH-MAY-ZING.

I’m not going to lie, I like to poke a little fun at Pinterest.  I’m out there enough to spot the trends, which I will highlight for you tonight.  I could highlight our country’s fascination with nail design, or our obsession with complex up-dos and the perfect bob, but dead epithelium can only hold my interest for so long.  But FOOD, now food trends..I can laugh at all day long.

Here are my “Top 10 Rules For Posting A Recipe On Pinterest”:

(1) Must be dripping with something…like cheese or caramel.  Sometimes chocolate, just to mix it up a bit, but only if you’re pinning lots and lots of chocolate recipes all at once.  That way we know you’re knee-deep in PMS and can avoid making snarky remarks.

(2) Are shaped like something: ladybugs, snowmen, what have you.  What can I say?  Humans love biting the heads off of things.

(3) Include a can or package or a bottle of something, which is suspiciously branded.  Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup.  Stouffer’s Stuffing. And I don’t care how much advertising you throw my way, I am NOT putting soda in a crock pot.  Unless I’m trying to make a food volcano, in which I say the more carbonation, the better.

(4) Includes a world-shattering testimonial: OH MY GOD!  I FELT LIKE I WAS HAVING SOME KIND OF CULINARY ORGASM.  THEN I PASSED OUT AND WOKE UP WITH THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR COOKING LAYING ON MY CHEST!  The point system is as follows: 1 point for every OMG!, 1 point for every AMAZING! (extra half point for every extra “A”; example: “AAAAAMAZING is worth 2 extra points), and a bonus point for all casseroles topped with Doritos.

(5) It should include a crockpot, and be grouped with a recipe which incorporates chicken and limes.  I feel a very strong undertone on Pinterest that seems to say, “I’d rather be drunk in Mexico”.  Hey, I’d rather be drunk in Mexico too, so, you know…no judging.

(6) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: quinoa, quinoa, quinoa.  If you can’t say it, at least you can cook it.

(7) The proper etiquette/ratio for sweet (dessert) vs. savory (protein) pinning is 1,000,000,000:1. It’s true. I counted.

(8) Explain to me the persistent 4-6 hour crockpot recipes?  Are you regularly home at 2 pm to turn on your crockpot?  I thought those things were supposed to be turned on at breakfast? I’ve officially overcooked every possible protein on the planet in my damn crockpot.  I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I’ve overcooked Panda too.  I stewed it in lime juice, cream of chicken soup, and topped it with Cooler Ranch Doritos, serving it on a bed of quinoa mixed with mangos and avocados.  Tasted EXACTLY like the one on the menu at the Olive Garden. AMAZING. OMG. (That’s like 7 Pinterest Points.)

(9) I’m not eating anything with the word “Crack” in the title.  There, I’ve said it.  Hash browns so intense they must be compared to narcotics have no business entering my body.  And while we’re on the subject of drug trafficking (I know…again), let me just put in my 2 cents and say shredded potatoes mixed with ranch, sour cream, bacon, and cheese are not worth doing 10 to 20.

(10) Same goes for all recipes titled with the words “dump” or “trash”.  My Grandma used to make a “dump cake”, and I’m scarred for life after envisioning what that recipe might entail. If you tell a 6 year old you are making a “DUMP cake”, and serving it with Crack Hash Browns and Trash Dip…you can’t take that back.  That being said, I made a chicken recipe last night with the word “Hobo” in it, and let me tell you…those rail-riders know how to chow.

OK, now to be serious.  Just kidding, I’m rarely serious.  You can follow me at Indiana Lori, and any recipe I make is immediately moved from my “Stuff I Must Make” Board over to my “Stuff I Have Made” Board, therefore you’ll know the review is by me.  I never use the word “amazing” or liken a casserole to the image of God.  I promise you now, if Jesus does come over for dinner, I ain’t makin’ no casserole.  “Oh Jesus, let me explain.  It isn’t ACTUALLY from Taco Bell.  It’s a homemade Mexican Pizza, meant to be a replica of the one you can get at Taco Bell.  DEE-LISH.  OMG Jesus.  OMaG.”

I use a Rating Scale of 1-10.  If it sucks, I’ll tell you it’s a Fail and why.  If I’m feeling super gracious, or if I think I’m the only person who doesn’t like it, I’ll just delete it entirely.  Sadly, due to my cocoa mass allergy, you’ll never see a review of a chocolate recipe on my boards.  I also don’t pin sugar covered sugar with sugar filling recipes.  If you want a Snickers/Caramel/Marshmallow/Chocolate Laced Dump Cake, you’re on your own.

Here are links to recipes I’ve cooked and truly enjoyed:

Autumn Chop Salad (Although I’ve never understood the use of “Chop” in salad naming conventions.  Have you considered ordering an unchopped salad?  Yes, I’ll have the Cobb Salad, but please bring that to me whole.  I find the Chop bruises the leaves, and I like my salad unscathed.)

Cheesy Chicken & Broccoli Hobo Packets (I almost never make chicken breasts.  I know, I should be shipped to the Biosphere for such American Cookery blasphemy.  Too dry.  Too boring.  I made my own Ranch rather than out of a bottle and a 3-cheese cheddar mix…really moist and really flavorful. Definite make again.)

Orzo with Parmesan & Basil (Don’t stand in the rice aisle, yelling at the poor grocery stocking man about not carrying orzo.  And for whomever received the brunt of my disgust, my apologies.  It’s a PASTA.  Orzo is pasta.  And you thought I knew so much.)

Balsamic Vinegar & Honey Carrots (I’m not a huge carrot person, but these I’d eat again, and the 3 rabbits…sorry, PEOPLE in my house, really loved them.)

Happy Eating Everyone, and Happy Pinning.  *No part of this post was paid for or supported by Pinterest.  They have no need to advertise with me, as I’m sure they have all the venture capital dollars they’ll ever need from Campbell’s, Coca-Cola, and OPI.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Tags: The Girls

Print This Post Print This Post

8 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Claire // Sep 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    I love Pinterest recipes, and I have a secret for crock pot times that are random. Those timers you plug your lamp into to make it look like someone is home, or you don’t come home to a dark house, work just as well on your crock pot! :)

  • 2 The Momma // Sep 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    NO CLAIRE. No. You have gone and done it. You have cracked the Crock Pot code. Forget the fact that meat sits on your counter unrefrigerated for 7 hours…I’d still do it. Well played my friend. Well played.

  • 3 The Momma // Sep 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    Put it in frozen and let it thaw! And then cook! We should never unite our powers. We’d certainly use them for evil.

  • 4 Stephanie R // Sep 25, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Oh, I’ve pinned the sugar covered in sugar but have never actually made it!

    You should give quinoa a break, Lori. It’s really quite good and both my kids love it. Plus it doesn’t have arsenic in it. ;)

    I totally agree with your crack, dump, and soda judgements. Carry on…

  • 5 Lydia // Sep 25, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Hahahahahaha! You made me laugh out loud! Thank you! And also, I don’t care what you do to carrots, Lori. They are not now, nor will they ever be, good. Just like cauliflower and brussel sprouts. Stop trying. Just stop.

  • 6 The Momma // Sep 26, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Lydia, But who would I torture with vegetables if I stopped trying cauliflower? I’ll grant you the brussel sprouts, now that we KNOW we simply cannot eat them. It’s in our DNA. Can’t be helped.

  • 7 Claire // Sep 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    The evil that would ensue! I mean really, who has a crock pot with a 5 hours timer? Ridiculous! btw, no brussel sprouts? I’m gonna admit it, I’m shocked, i love those little buggers!

  • 8 The Momma // Sep 26, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    Claire,

    The ability to enjoy brussel sprouts is DNA based. A part of the population enjoys the, and a part are actually coded to taste them as “bitter”. I’ve tried to prepare them every way possible, and I’m in the bitter camp. I give up.