Wisdom Comes Suddenly

{this flu season}

January 10th, 2013 · 3 Comments


I’m just going to say it.  You won’t say it, but you want to, so I’m going to put it out there for all of us: scum bagger, wiener jockey, fart pincher, piss twister, clown farm, snot glob!  If this family doesn’t heal up soon, I’ll have no choice but to donate us to medical research.  Are we deathly ill?  No.  And that’s part of the problem: we’re all just a little ill, along with EVERYONE I KNOW.  Running at 80%.  Not nearly sick enough to tank and stay home, not ever getting better.

We’ve taken more antibiotics (and probiotics) in the past 5 weeks than we’ve taken in the past 5 years.  Everything we’ve treated…and I mean EVERYTHING, has gone away…and come back.  Sometimes more than once.  I’ve bleached or vinegar’ed anything in this house that would stand still.  I would wash those damn cats if they weren’t on hot dog chemo. I Lysol’ed the laundry baskets.  I’ve made every single towel “one touch only”, and then it’s washed.  I’ve changed the girls sheets daily.  What is this? The Four Seasons Resort and Spa? We should have bought stock in humidifier companies.

Cough, hack, drip, rub, itch…treat…start all over.  Kelly told me today she blew her nose so much, she was sure a fungus had shot out of it.  Which makes sense considering she just finished her 2nd round of antibiotics.  Only fungus could be left in her body.  This week has been one, long crap waffle.  I hope yours is better.  I’ll pray your family doesn’t end up in some ER parking lot surge tent.  We haven’t, thank God, so I’m praying a low-key weekend at home will turn the tide.

*Tonight’s fantastical cursing brought to you by my new “Creative Cursing, A Mix N Match Profanity Generator”.  Warning: parts of this flip chart are just profane. Other parts make me laugh until I cry.  The creators of this book did not pay me or give me the book, but if they want to throw tens and twenties my way, I’ll find a way to say skank juice far more often.*


Tags: The Girls

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 V // Jan 11, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Oh my goodness yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um if you cant tell I agree. I have never heard so many coughs and grunts and hacks to loosen and remove green gooey yet hard insanely large clumps of cr*p in our house.

  • 2 Chris // Jan 11, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Hot dog chemo?!!! Yesssss! He still lives!!!

    I laughed out loud at that!

    It seems like everyone is sick – and horribly so. I even started to feel a little peaked yesterday (that’s a two-syllable word for those of you not from around here) and started downing oj, tylenol, water, chicken soup and a little medicinal wine (one must disinfect one’s insides, don’tcha know) like a crazy woman. Feeling OK today, but also a little hyper-sensitive to anything going on with my innards . . .

    Feel better soon – and stay that way! (Off to buy Lysol stock -)

  • 3 Kathy Wilowoode // Jan 12, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    I’m a fan of echinacea, elderberry syrup, andrographis, vitamin C and D. Sage for sore throats. Mucostop for congestion. Fenugreek and thyme, mullein and ivy for bronchitis and sinus infection. Side effects? You don’t get sick to begin with (aka prevention),or a few days of sleeping at home with a fever and a few aches until you recover. This is old fashioned medicine and it works. And it doesn’t decimate your intestinal flora. Fungus and yeast overgrowths are infections, too, and nasty ones at that. More stubborn than bacterial and viral infections, and harder to get rid of. I’d try oil of oregano, colloidal silver and/or grapefruit seed extract for that – oh, and these three also work on viral and bacterial infections, too. There are many options available. You’re looking in the wrong medicine cabinet.