Let’s start with the CORRECT (and positive) PERSPECTIVE on Christmas this year: I received many beautiful and wonderful gifts. Greg gave me a mandolin, a kitchen tool I’ve wanted for many years. Unfortunately, the little witch is trying to remove my fingers, one-by-one (you should see me trying to type tonight..my digits look like they have been mauled by zombies), but, and this is no lie, it’s my favorite gift. I can evenly slice 6 pounds of squash in 5 minutes flat. It’s unbelievable(bly painful). I also received gorgeous workout clothes, coordinating jackets included! Perfume (what a treat! I had forgotten how much I love perfume), stunning jewelry, a new purse that matches all of my winter coats, and much more. A swell Christmas indeed. Truth be told, I rarely ask for anything specific at Christmas, because I never want anything. I’m so focused on the girls and everyone around me, that I just like being surprised on Christmas morning.
But I’m a Mom, which means I’m a magnet for weirdness as well. Kids are hilarious gift-givers, but let’s not forget husbands. Let’s never forget how FUNNY husbands are at the holidays. Oh, Greg SURPRISED me this year.
32 years of wearing contacts, and I’ve never had a fancy case. Cool.
Kelly did some stealthy shopping, and bought me a snazzy fish-themed fish and dip tray. I shop for our school’s Santa Shop, and this truth is this: if it’s big and colorful, it will sell. A stack of rainbow fish-covered platters was a hot item for us this year. Sara gave me a jeweled contact case, which I so loved, and was more than enough…but kids are givers. So she made some finger puppets on Christmas afternoon, which you can see above. Had I worn these tiny mitts while using my mandolin, we might be having a different discussion this evening. Not to be bested by her sister, Kelly found this bracelet under her bed she made years ago, and wrapped it up in a scarf. A scarf she told me she’d need back right away. But the flowers used to decorate the scarf, she would like me to pin in my hair. Nothing says Christmas day like a make-up free Momma in a ponytail, with a piece of plastic red hydrangea in her hair.
But these swell gifts pale in comparison to the tshirt. THE TSHIRT, which was Greg’s favorite gift TO ME. You must be wondering, “WHY ON EARTH is Lori wearing a tshirt that reads ‘Lori’s Dog Walking and Nipple Maintenance'”? If you aren’t asking this question, you are wicked drunk. This tshirt, adorned with dogs sucking pacifiers (I cannot explain this away…and as I cannot recall when Greg was last wicked drunk, we’ll have to imagine he had a small stroke), is the result of my sense of humor. If you’re going to be the class clown, be ready for the consequences.
I gave Greg a tshirt which reads, “Science. It’s just magic without the lies.”
Last summer, during a family dinner, the idea of me going back to work was put on the table:
Me: I think I might go back to work, but I’m just not sure what I want to do.
Auntie Amanda: You should walk dogs! I have been a dog-sitter for friends for years, and it’s a great way to make money.
Me: Um, I am deathly afraid of dogs. I have always been deathly afraid of dogs.
Auntie Amanda: But it’s great money!
Me: I’m an RN, and I worked in critical care and research…I’m sure I could find something that scares me less than dogs.
Auntie Amanda: After 2 years as an RN on the Postpartum floor, let me tell you…I should be an in-home lactation consultant. These brand new Moms do fine when I’m a call button away, but then they have to go home with a new baby, trying to breastfeed at 2 am, and their hormones are a mess. I could make a MINT being a 24-hour on-call Lactation Consultant.
Me: So there you have it Amanda. Should you ever grow tire of working the floor, you could start your own business. If you’ve been up all night breastfeeding a newborn, the last thing you want to do is get up and walk your dog. Perfect pairing…you’re a genius. You should call it “Amanda’s Dog Walking and Nipple Maintenance.”
Oh, the laughter. An inside joke within our family, but still, a good joke indeed. As a result, I now own a tshirt which begs the question, to what event would one wear an artistic rendition of dogs sucking nipples? DO NOT ANSWER THAT.
Do tell my fellow parents: what “fun” gifts did you get this year?