Wisdom Comes Suddenly

The Vicarious Half-Birthday North Of The Equator

January 27th, 2015 · 2 Comments


My children know all-too-well that I do not acknowledge half-birthdays. Do not expect to wake up to balloons and circus monkeys, sky-writing your name above the house. Having me as a Mother is like a lifelong party, so sistas’ please…I simply cannot theme one more day of your lives.

However, as both of my daughters have summer birthdays, I do respect the mid-winter school birthday treats. You’ve seen me break my half-birthday rule here, over here, once again here…oh wait…here too. These girls are starting to figure out ma’ WAYS. Kelly, in particular, is one helluva a negotiator. Knowing I’d be unlikely to agree to a “store-bought” treat, she started the bidding high with Ding Dongs. That’s right…Ding Dongs. Smart girl earning herself an automatic “no” from The Momma. She turned down all of the usual homemade suspects, such as Oreo Truffles and Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwiches. Kelly strung me along, day after day, like a 5-star deal-maker. Knowing I was in the midst of finishing a quilt for the school auction, she knew I’d plain run out of time. Well-played Bunny.

We searched for some easy ideas, and came with up with candy in portion cups with tiny stickers. So even though the sun had fallen, off to the candy store we went, and here is where our twin-like nature collided. I’ve often asked my parents if it was hard to hold a conversation with me as a child. Their response was something along the lines of, it took all the energy they had to follow my random train of thought, usually ending in them giving up and walking away.

Turns out, this word-salad conversation thing is a genetic trait. It’s ugly when it’s amplified x2 in a cold minivan the week a large project is due, and the embroidery shop still has 5 of my quilt blocks on their stitching machines:

Mommy: Kelly, I don’t want to just hand your friends a bunch of candy at lunch. We should put in a little rhyme about saving some for later. What rhymes with the word “later”?

Kelly: Equator.

Mommy: We’re supposed to work the word “equator” into a short rhyme about your half-birthday candy?

Kelly: “Save some for later, because Kelly’s half-birthday is occurring north of the equator.” See? It totally works.

Mommy: OK, let’s go a different direction. What rhymes with birthday?

Kelly: Earth Day. Again…total winner. Oh! I know what works! “Beware, this candy is tart, and it might make you fart!”

Mommy: No bodily function rhymes.

Kelly: So “We picked this out for you, and we hope it doesn’t make you poo” is not good?

Mommy: NO.

Kelly: What is a bodily function?

Mommy: Anything your body does.

Kelly: So no rhymes about breathing?

Mommy: KELLY!

Kelly: OK, OK. It’s not like I’m asking you to rhyme “orange”. (Insert her hysterical laughing.)

Mommy: Is there another word for “later”?

Kelly: Future.

Mommy: Suture. WOW. We are REALLY bad at this.

Kelly: I think we are SO GOOD at this! Hey! You know a great word? Vicarious.

Mommy: And WHAT rhymes with vicarious?


Mommy: Do you even know what vicarious means?

Kelly: No, but I can spell it.

Mommy: Of that I’m sure. OK. Let’s start over: “Don’t eat this candy all at once…”

Kelly: Or you’re a DUNCE!

Mommy: OH MY GOSH! Let’s just go into the store now. “Happy 7 1/2 Birthday Kelly”. How does that sound?

Kelly: Perfect.

And THAT is a how a top-notch negotiator convinces her Mother to forgo homemade treats, overwrought with miniature, personalized flags on toothpicks, in lieu of a bag of candy. Advantage: Kelly. But I should rest up, because Sara’s 1/2 birthday is next, and as Kelly’s opposite, you know she’ll beg me to make a buffet of desserts, all shaped in the letter “S”, in a array of colors not naturally occurring upon this earth. “I hope we can keep it simple, because so much sugar can cause a pimple…”




Tags: The Girls

2 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Sarah K. // Jan 27, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    “Enjoy half now, save half for later!”
    Happy 7 1/2 Birthday, Kelly!

    Save it for next year….just change the 7 to an 8. I just LOVED this post!!!!!

  • 2 The Momma // Jan 28, 2015 at 7:19 am

    Sarah! You’re a genius!!!!