Wisdom Comes Suddenly

Never Wear Dumpster Waffles On Your Feet

February 6th, 2015 · No Comments


Wow. I didn’t foresee this week’s response to my post about God. I received messages from clergy, colleagues, friends, readers, parents, writers…it’s been quite a week. I’m so humbled that you enjoyed it. Welcome new readers! My writing is always honest, but primarily comedic, and only occasionally as weighty as that last post. I won’t challenge your faith in the near future, I promise.

Let’s digress back into lighter topics, shall we? I’ve had reason to dress for a few events this winter, and the girls have taken a keen interest in how I go about making wardrobe decisions. No. That’s not true. I drag them to Kohl’s and make them pick out accessories while they beg to be paid in hot pretzels. In any case, I’ve shown them there is an art to it. Sara has a rather formal afternoon Poetry Tea next week, and she seems bent on wearing an evening gown; a bright purple and crystal-covered formal dress. As many of you know, I allow the girls to dress themselves as a general rule. They rarely match their socks, and they often wear tennis shoes with dresses, and you won’t hear a peep from me. But sometimes guidance is needed, and I find because I rarely intervene, they do allow me some latitude when it comes time to actually THINK about their clothes.

If I had some basic rules about event dressing I’d like to pass onto my daughters (my favorite “secret to happiness rules” are here, and far more relevant than fashion), they would be these:

(1) If a dress fits and has pockets, buy it. There is nothing better than dresses with pockets. No one knows why this is true, but every woman whom has ever dug her hands into pockets while wearing a dress, knows there is an Audrey Hepburn aura that is partnered with this moment, and it’s bliss.

(2) Think through your hours in a dress, especially in the garments you layer UNDER it. Let me just cut to the chase: CAN YOU PEE IN THIS DRESS? It had better be the dress of your life if it requires a full peel and reassembly in a public bathroom stall every time you have to pee. What can I say? It’s honesty week here on the blog.

(3) When trying on heels, jog across the store. If you can’t, put them back. NO, I don’t care how pretty they are. You’ll give them horrid nicknames by the end of the night if they break your toes while wearing them. Case in point, sitting in my closet right now are my Donkey Chompers and Dumpster Waffles. Just sitting there, taunting me with their beauty. Cruel, cruel beauty.

(4) If your Spanx makes your colon spasm, or creates rolls as opposed to flattening them out, it doesn’t fit. Now that I think about it, Men, if you’re still reading, you should look away. Sorry, you’ve read too much already, haven’t you?

(5) If your dress is bright, wear neutral lipstick. If it’s too flat, add neutral gloss. Unless you’re going to a clown party, and then ignore #5.

(6) The prettiest girl in the room is NEVER the one wearing the tightest or the tiniest dress.

(7) I asked Kelly what she’d learned about watching me “dress up”, and here are her words of advice: “Wear a bra. If you don’t know much about bras, you can ask my Mommy. Bras, bras, wear your bras.”

(8) Speaking of accessories, less is more. Sparkle is great, but don’t turn yourself into a human firework.

(9) There are day dresses and there are evening dresses. One out of every 10 dresses can be worn to either. There is day makeup, and there is night makeup. There are high heels, and there are whore heels. I know, I kind of slipped that shocker in there unexpectedly, but what if I die and my daughters grow up not knowing about whore heels? I just can’t take that risk.

(10) Lastly, decide before you leave the house exactly how many drinks you will have at an event. BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE. The prettiest woman at any event is NEVER the one whom has had the most to drink. If you ask me how I know this fact, I will lie. I will lie to my death bed, and your Aunties will back me up. I learned this truth through careful observation, as did all of your Aunties. You didn’t spend a week styling that outfit to end the night with your dress crumpled on the floor and your earrings lost in the wind. If it happens, don’t hate yourself. Pick yourself up, dust off, and learn from the mistake. But remember, the girl with the fewest regrets wins.

Finally, YOU ARE BOTH GORGEOUS to your very souls. Pretty is something that shines from within, and clothing is just a window-dressing to the amazing human who dwells inside. Have fun with it, but don’t take it too seriously. And if all else fails, we can rely on Sara’s observations: “Mommy, I’ve learned you should never leave the house without asking my advice first. Can we just make that a rule? Mommy doesn’t put outfits together without checking with Sara? YES? Nod your head yes Mommy, who is just a little bit stuck in the 80’s…nod your head…”

You know what? On second thought, throw out everything you just read and have sons. Buy them jeans and a polo and call it good until they go to college. Have a great weekend everyone! And don’t forget bras, earrings, lipstick, to spend time laughing with your hilarious children!



Tags: The Girls