Wisdom Comes Suddenly

The Magical Suburban Housewife

May 9th, 2015 · 4 Comments

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Let me start by saying I had NO idea this anti-gravity cake would create such a stir. I try to make a cake-currently-in-vogue every year for the school carnival (remember these?). In 2015, “anti-gravity” cakes are all the rage in the cake-making world. Cake Pops are just SO 2012, guys. Per usual, Pinterest is a lying whore, and this project took 4x the amount of time and M&Ms as was written in the instructions, but this isn’t my first trip to the Pinterest Prom. I came prepared with Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, and Plan “I hate Pinterest and I’m buying cookies”.

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I bought the cake already iced at the grocery. For 8 bucks, someone else can make the cake, because I think we can agree: this cake has very little to do with the actual cake.

Sorry, I didn’t take step-by-step pics: I used a bag of melting chocolate, a dowel rod, a hot glue gun, 2 large bags of M&Ms, plus a smaller bag for the cake (all carefully chosen to as wrinkle-free as possible), and marshmallows.

Slowly paint the dowel rod with melted chocolate and attach the M&Ms one at a time, waiting for it to harden before adding a new row…this method does work. But it’s MESSY. It looks MESSY after it dries. I used tweezers, spoons, basting brushes, Q-tips, plates, and bowls. Getting hot, wet chocolate on the back of a tiny M&M, and then attaching it to wood…is REALLY HARD.

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Other crafts made when I wasn’t covered in chocolate: tiny pillows to match a baby boy shower theme I hosted with family members.

Knowing this cake had to be transferred to school, I switched to Plan B: I hot-glued the M&Ms to the rod. Trim the M&M bag, empty it out, fill it with marshmallows, and then glue the dowel rod into the bag (fully inserted for support), but at an angle (it should appear as if it’s being poured); finally hot glue the sides shut around the dowel rod. Stick it in the cake (or wait until after you placed down the horizontal candy, so you aren’t fretting that this thing will fall over the entire time you work on the cake).

At this point you’ll realize this your contraption is top-heavy and will need supports. I glued ladders of candy together, attaching them to the rod, circling the stick. I filled in with smaller ladders and loose M&Ms to give the appearance of a pile.

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I made 45-feet of pennant banner for the baby shower, and managed to take a picture of 2 feet of it. Well done. I’m calling my little flowers, “zhuzh pots”, of which I made 5. All different, all with coordinating flags. Got a picture of how many? ONE.

The M&Ms on top need to be laid out like a spill, one at a time; otherwise, you won’t get a good dispersing of colors. Oh yes…ONE-BY-ONE. You can’t use the bag as it’s packaged, because it’s not an equitable number of colors. For some reason, this company hates yellow. Use melted chocolate on the backs to create a 2nd layer, covering all of the white icing. ONE-BY-ONE. The lower layer on the side of the cake can be pressed into the icing, but the rest will have to be glued with melted chocolate. I can lift off the anti-gravity piece and chuck it, but I needed the cake to be edible.

I stood with anticipation at the bakery counter, explaining this cake to someone whom I’m certain meant no harm…BUT he also meant no good (while I won’t name the guilty party, I will say it’s not Greg, who applauds 99.9% of my efforts, and usually ends up helping). The response I received was, “This project sounds very…Suburban Housewife.” Those words stung…and then left a mark.

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How much time do Suburban Housewives have to spend on creating paper banners from scratch? ALL THE TIME. We can think about this stuff for WEEKS.

I delivered the cake, not thinking very much of it, or of what it meant to donate a cake to the Carnival. It’s just a cake, after all, along with 3.5 hours of candy-coated giggling while dancing to Motown, followed by a kitchen covered in chocolate. As I walked through the halls, balancing this rather bizarre creation, my life turned to slow-motion. Kids just…STOPPED. And SCREAMED. And BEGGED to know how was this HAPPENING?!!! THEY HAD TO KNOW! NOOOOWWW!!! THEY MUST WIN THIS CAKE!!!

Kids are fun, when they aren’t in my backseat at the end of a long day, singing La Bamba in Spanish at the tops of their lungs with fake Dracula teeth in their mouths (not a made-up story).

The next evening as the Carnival began, I worked my way out to the lawn and spied my gal pals. They were gathered around the Cake Walk, watching a huge gang of kids, waiting in anticipation for the games to start. Again, I didn’t give any of this a second thought, until my friends announced the students had not stopped talking about the cake, to the point it had to be protected. Apparently this cake needed security detail. I mean…COME ON…I DEFIED GRAVITY.

Don’t be silly, I said. It’s just the gimmick of a Suburban Housewife.

Before I could explain, the first round began, and the music ended. Tiny-Sweet-Adam (my actual nickname for him), suddenly morphed into Brandi Chastain winning the Olympics. He jumped off the Cake Walk, screamed at the top of his lungs while pumping his arms, grabbing the attention of the entire school, “MOOOOMMMMYY!!!! I WON THE CAAAAAKKKKEEE!!!!!”

And then he ran full speed towards to the cake table, with such force I feared he would knock the entire thing over. I dashed after him, making sure he didn’t eat hot glue before he read my note about the inedible dowel rod.

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Who has time to collect an entire basket of the world’s best books at discount bookstores all over town? Seriously, the good stuff folks: If You Take A Mouse…, Curious Garden, How Does a Dinosaur…, the entire collection of Kate DiCamillo (you saw that coming), Library Mouse, Rainbow Fish…WHO has this kind of time?! Suburban Housewives.

Watching T.S.Adam win his cake made my entire year, and quite suddenly my “job” became crystal clear: I am a Suburban Housewife, and I make magic. I can make a memory for a 6 year old, so full of fireworks and mayhem, that I’m fairly certain for the rest of his life, he’ll never forget the night he won the Anti-Gravity Cake at the school carnival. The sweet memory this created for me is absolutely priceless.

So hear this Cliché-Swinging Nay-sayers: I’m a SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE, and it’s absolutely awesome work if you can get it. Magic Wand not included (but available in the form of wood dowel rods for $2.49 a bag).

Wisdom Comes Suddenly.

 

 

 

Tags: The Girls

4 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Teresa // May 10, 2015 at 9:05 am

    You have been REALLY busy…and all your efforts turned out perfectly! …as always!

    ~Have a lovely day!

  • 2 Helen Graziano // May 13, 2015 at 7:01 am

    That cake is really something to behold. You have a LOT of patience. Like your articles.

  • 3 The Momma // May 13, 2015 at 9:51 am

    Helen,

    Thank you! I actually have about as much patience as Matty “Fuse” Crockett, but he and I have this in common: we can pull out the patience when it’s required.

  • 4 Helen // May 13, 2015 at 10:02 am

    Lol didn’t know Matt could be short on patience. I can occasionally summon it but frustrated easily :-(. Enjoy your posts.