Wisdom Comes Suddenly

We Take A Break From Our Normal Programming…

October 29th, 2015 · No Comments

DSC_0046I’d love to pump you full of happy tales about how I’m feeling GREAT and everything is GREAT, but in light of the fact that it’s total bull, I’ll skip being a fake shiny, happy person. Matt’s funeral was lovely, and will be followed shortly by my Uncle’s funeral, and Grandpa has decided he’s done leaving his house. For…ever. Halloween technically starts tomorrow with class parties, and as we all know, KELLY DOES NOT CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN. She does get a costume, but she DOES NOT HONOR this HOLIDAY FROM HELL. Her screaming started sometime last week and has yet to cease. Her teachers had to call me last week to get proof of life, as this Halloween season is now paired with a phobia that her Mother is going to die. Gosh. Can’t imagine where she got that fear. At any rate, I’m playing a manic game of catch up while fighting the constant need for depression-induced naps, while Kelly is running around with her psyche on fire. And Sara got braces this week. It’s…colorful…here. Things are…uncorked.


So, in light of our current state-of-affairs, and my reticence to post some maudlin tale about walking through canyons and finding the meaning of life (give me a week on that one; I haven’t the energy to drag us through the 5-canyon hike tonight), I’ve decided we could all use some Kelly-stories. Especially Kelly.

Tonight at dinner:

Mommy: Did anything good happen today?

Kelly: Sara and I invented a new game called “College”! I LOVE IT.

Mommy: How do you play college?

Sara (very nonchalantly, because now she has braces, and that’s just COOL): Oh…you know. We go to class and then we do college-things. Things you do at college when you’re not in class.

Mommy: [Insert my mind on a mad-race through 4 amazing years: Is she referring to quarter taco night? Quarter beer night? Dancing at The Chug? Sorority Dances? Fraternity boys? OH GOD. Please not ANY of these things. Spring Break? NO. Definitely NOT that. Studying all night? Please say that. Say you’re studying. Wildly glance over to Greg who has the blank stare of someone who attended a Military Academy. He’s imagining marching? Making beds? WHO GOES TO THESE COLLEGES?! AND WHY DO THEY GO THERE?!]

Mommy (matching nonchalant with even MORE nonchalant, because I’ve had ALL the braces): Huh. Things you do when you’re not in class. Such as?

Kelly: Oh you know, the usual. Talking about Shakespeare and going to Science Dances.

Sara: I LOVE Romeo & Juliet.

Daddy: What does one do at a Science Dance, as opposed to something you do at a? NON-science dance?

Kelly: You drink bug juice named after caterpillar guts.

Mommy & Daddy: OH. Huh. OK then. Science dances. Shakespeare Club. That’s great. That’s very…college-y.

Mommy: Anything else good happen today?

Kelly: YEEEES. I sat with all of my friends at lunch and played Crazy I-Spy.

Daddy: OK. I’ll bite. How does one play CRAZY I-Spy, as opposed to say, REGULAR I-Spy?

Kelly: It’s JUST like I-Spy, only you can spy things that AREN’T REALLY THERE.

Mommy: Your friends have to look inside YOUR MIND?

Kelly: YES! And they are very good at it. But you have to spy something that would normally be in everyone’s mind. Like…you can spy an orangutan, even if it’s not IN the cafeteria. Everyone has SEEN an orangutan, so it’s IN all of our minds!

Mommy: This seems difficult.

Kelly: Not at all. Olivia totally guessed it.

Sara: But you can’t see things which are RARE. For example, you can see a butterfly, and you can even see a Buckeye Butterfly because they are found in the Midwest, but you can’t see a rare butterfly found only in the Amazon.

Mommy: How do you know where to draw the line?

Kelly: EASY! Monkey, but NOT the Proboscis Monkey. See?

Mommy: Um? What on earth is a Proboscis Monkey?

Kelly: It has a huge nose. You really should read more Ranger Rick Mommy. You’d lose pretty quickly at Crazy I-Spy.

Daddy: YEAH MOMMY. Why aren’t you studying Ranger Rick? In your free time?! Proboscis Monkey! DUH!



Mommy: Doc, Kelly has been VERY nervous about having her teeth checked by you. We’ve told her it’s just a check, that she’s not ready for braces.

Doc: No Kelly, it’s not time for you to get braces. We’re just checking your Dentist’s Xrays and counting your teeth. It will be quite some time before you’re ready. We’re keeping an eye on your teeth just because your sister is already here, getting her braces.

Kelly: Well, that’s good, because my friend told me I’d have to get an Expander, and I’ve been very worried. So this morning, I played a game to distract myself. It got a little violent. I was a bear-hunter, and was made the Queen of Japan. THEN, I became a Minister. It was awesome, until my congregation ACCUSED me of being Jewish!

Mommy: WHAT?! What. Kelly! What does that mean?

Kelly (hand raised in some odd sign of 8 year old solidarity): ACCUSED ME, I SAY!

Doc: [Stunned silence]

Mommy: Synagogues have Ministers, Kelly.

Kelly: Mommy, I’m Jewish. I think I would know.

Mommy: You’re Presbyterian.

Kelly: That doesn’t make sense. My congregation was Methodist.

Sara: EVERYONE CALM DOWN. Kelly has been trying to convince all of us she’s Jewish for many years, because she figures if she celebrates Hanukkah AND Christmas, she’ll get more gifts. Kelly doesn’t the know the difference between any of these words, she just wants more stuffed animals. She knows her Jewish friends get a holiday all to themselves, and she’s jealous.

Doc: Well. That’s actually pretty smart. Who wouldn’t want more gifts?

Kelly: SEE? The Orthodontist understands me! I’M JEWISH!

Sara: Wait. Wasn’t I baptized Lutheran? What does that make me?

Mommy: Honey, I’m a Baptist, so don’t ask me. Now that our new Orthodontist team thinks we’re totally wacko, let’s move on, shall we?


I hope these stories made you laugh, as they’ve certainly brightened my week. I hope your week has been easy, and full of sunshine. And sincerely, I hope no one died or became home bound. But if they did, take lasagna and a movie. You might find yourself laughing until your sides hurt, on a random Thursday afternoon, in the living room of a 90 year old, wishing you could stop Father Time. We take this break from our normal programming to count the many blessings surrounding us: a beautiful autumn, an understanding school overflowing with a loving community of people, the continued wit and cognitive strength of my waning Grandfather, the communion I’ve been sharing with friends old and new, and the hope that Thanksgiving will bring some wisdom as to why this year was a part of my journey.

In the meantime, Godspeed my fellow travelers. Godspeed.





Tags: The Girls