“I will not live in fear of falling, or catching fire.”
-Dr. Dawna Markova
I stopped writing.
I didn’t wish to stop writing. It certainly wasn’t planned.
But for a long time, everything has hurt. And when I hurt, I go quiet, and speak of it after it has passed.
I’ve been doing some waiting. Playing the waiting game. In the waiting line of the waiting store, on waiting island.
It’s a good thing I am on waiting island because I’m pretty certain I filled an ocean with tears.
Is it over yet? [Cringe as I peek around my world…]
Nope. Not over yet.
Should I write? (Insert no, no, no, no…I never write until the sad has passed…remember Lori’s Golden Rule…wait!)
Silent agreement with myself to just never write again because last year Matt died, then Denver died, then I took on the hardest project of my life, and now THIS…so just STOP LORI. NO ONE WANTS TO READ THIS.
(Insert writing a piece for the Indy Star…yummy, so much fun…that was delish…)
NOPE! Not writing.
(Insert the taking of another small job to keep my mind occupied while I’m waiting for the hurt to stop.)
“Mommy, are you ever going to write again?”
Uh-huh. Sure. Someday. Kind of busy right now with the “you-know-what-situation”.
Right after I get the world to LOOK. As soon as I light these fires so that people can SEE.
LOOK WORLD! LOOK OVER HERE! HELP! WE HAVE A…SITUATION!
But I think I should face the facts: some sad things stick. Best to get on with it, knowing this part may involve scars which never heal.
I can write this as I attempt to dip my toes back into the writing pool:
Should you ever find yourself helping other people’s children who are going through an unbelievably hard time and experiencing things no children should ever experience, and if you have to catch yourself on fire while trying to save them (it’s feeling rather literal tonight…my heart is shattered):
JUST DO IT. DO NOT SECOND-GUESS IT. DO NOT DELAY.
Burn that shit to the ground, my friends. Burn yourself, scorch the earth, torch relationships, light up the sky with flames.
At all costs, SAVE THOSE CHILDREN.
If I had to do it all over again, and cry the same tears to extinguish the flames, I would.
Wisdom Comes Suddenly.