So lemme ask ‘cha this question: if I got really loaded and checked into a rehab, say in Utah, would I be cool too? I suppose if I had nothing but time, cash and fame on my hands…I might blow it all on drugs and booze…because hey, only the whole world is watching.

BlackJack after a really long night at Studio 54

And then I read that Brad Renfro “accidentally overdosed” on Heroine. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Is there a safely approved dose of heroine? Like, hey man, 2 bags are safe, but you went way over the limit. 8 bags will kill you. Because the amount of heroine is tightly regulated PER BAG. Having worked in Boston City ER where I regularly asked the question, “Just how much crack did you smoke?” (hilarious, but druggies who are high will actually tell you), I don’t ever remember thinking…oh silly drug addict. Why didn’t you just follow the prescribed dosage on the side of the bag? It is also inscribed on your crack pipe.

Most folks know this old nursing story, but it’s funny and by far my favorite, so I shall repeat: I once asked a patient very high on cocaine just how much she had snorted. After all, her blood pressure was 240/120, she was about to stroke out, and having no antidote, I guess I thought it would be prudent to be able to quantify it. If she told me how many lines, what was I going to then ask? And ma’am, just how long were those lines? Anyway, she said, and I shall never forget, “I didn’t do me no $200, $300 worth. I just did me a lil’ some-in, some-in. You know, just enough for me.” Being young and naive, I actually wrote that exact quote on my intake sheet.

Which leads me to my commentary on Heath Ledger’s death: a tragic statement about the mis-use of neuroscience medications in our country. I do believe he accidentally overdosed. No single compound in his system was above the prescribed limit. Probably no one bothered to tell him how very dangerous psychiatric polypharmacy can be. When one didn’t work, he just took the next. He probably had friends taking an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and a sleep aide, all at once. When he got groggy, he may not have realized the time, and the duration from which he had taken his last pill. There are many kinds of medicines, but each body has only one liver through which to metabolize them. Never mix meds without talking to someone who knows what they are doing. He should have been hospitalized for that sleep disorder. In Utah, apparently.

Sydney got home after a night of dancing at The Viper Room, and couldn’t even find her bed

Which leads me to my last question: Utah? Known for good skiing, those wild and wacky Mormons, and now…rehab for the rich and famous. I guess it’s as logical as anywhere. Las Vegas is out. Miami makes no sense whatsoever. Montana has Outward Bound. Seattle gets the misanthropes (oh forgive me…I meant ecologically-conscious). San Fran has the homeless. So there you go. Indiana gets corn, and Utah gets Lindsay Lohan falling off the wagon. Seems fair…can you imagine the stoned and famous in Indiana?  God, I could cry from laughter just thinking about it…”6 am and already that boy ain’t right….” (use your best “King of the Hill” accent).