Today was one of those parenting days that makes you wonder why you ever had the crazy notion of becoming a parent. Today was more than a total flop. IT SUCKED. Suckage so loud that physicists felt the need to do math in order to measure the suckfullness of it all. It can be quantified by the numbers of beers I am drinking tonight.
Started with benign, 2 year old stuff. We went out for early play to avoid the heat, and Sara starting pouring her bubble solution out on the flowers. When I told her that flowers only like water and please stop, she smiled as she poured the rest out on the driveway. “I’ll water the sidewalk,” she says, with a sly, foxy smile. We went inside immediately.
Kelly cried all the way through TJ Maxx. I wanted one tshirt. I got it! Then Sara, who has NEVER asked to use a public restroom (she’s still in diapers), begs to go potty. Which we do, when I realize I left the diapers in the car. Something I NEVER do, but hell, I only wanted one tshirt. We made a beeline for the cashier after leaving the bathroom, as Sara was wearing a sundress and suddenly commando. She COULD NOT resist the urge to let the world know that NOT ONLY WAS SHE WITHOUT A DIAPER, BUT SHE WAS BUCK NAKED UNDER THAT DRESS! If she pulled that damned thing up over her head once, she did it 10x. I finally smacked her bare bottom to get her attention. Dress…down.
Everyone woke up from naps screaming. I have no idea why. Couldn’t get anyone back to sleep. Couldn’t get anyone to eat a snack or read books, arguably, everyone’s favorite activity of the day. THEN I realized I thawed an entire bag of chicken pot pie innards but failed to buy pastry. NOPE, I don’t make my own pastry. I cook 24/7 just making the basics. Dreading another errand, we ran to the grocery.
Where Sara threw the FIT of the century. For no particular reason whatsoever. SCREAMING, HOLLERING…that would have been just fine with me. Throwing things out of the cart? That’s bad. That’s consequences bad. Trying to throw herself out of the cart?! That’s vulcan grip to the shoulder with a discussion bad. Trying to throw KELLY OUT OF THE CART?! That’s walk to the back of the deserted shoe section, swat the behind, call the Daddy bad. Yes, it’s official. I’ve spanked my child in public. Anyone throwing judgment my way has never walked through Wal-Mart with a 2 year old wearing a Princess dress while attempting to hurl her 11 month old sister out of the cart while simultaneously hitting her in the back of the head with (thank GOD) a package of cotton balls. Jesus himself would have put a For Sale sign on her back.
When we got home I made her sit on her bed without toys until Daddy got home. She ate her full dinner and made not a peep during baths. She had lost so much stuff, she had a quilt and some air at bedtime. She lost so much stuff that when I recounted the list to her on the way home, she added things I forgot! “Mommy, you also took away my jewelry and magic wand.” YES! YES I DID! THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE YOUNG LADY WITH THE UNBELIEVABLY GOOD MEMORY! I HAD A GOOD MEMORY, AND APPARENTLY I GAVE IT ALL TO YOU!
After dinner as I was huffing and puffing and scrubbing the kitchen floor, Greg dared to speak. Even a syllable would have meant certain disaster. He said, and every wife/mother in America is cringing on his behalf, “You know you don’t have to mop. You just mopped Friday. Your Mom is coming down on Thursday and she loves to clean.” I’m not sure which happened first: either my head flew off or steam came out of my nostrils. I’m sure as a man he can never understand the dynamic a grown woman has with her mother, but under no circumstance does it involve a wish for my Mom to walk into my filthy home and begin mopping. Not that she wouldn’t gladly help me, but I’d like to sustain the illusion for 10 seconds THAT I HAVE ANY FREAKIN’ CLUE AS TO WHAT I’M DOING WITH THESE KIDS AND HEY LOOK! I HAVE IT ALL UNDER CONTROL!!
I then grabbed my beer and went out to drink on the driveway. I drank on my driveway in total silence on a Tuesday night. That’s can’t be good. Feel free to leave any comments that suggest I’m not totally screwing up my children nor have I ruined my happiness by staying at home. Right now? I need another beer.
8 responses to ““Hug it out Bitch” -Michael Scott, The Office”
Go have another Beer – tomorrow will be better!
I have five gallons of homebrewed beer. You are in need of beer.
Hmm….how could I help?
🙂
(PS I’m Wendy’s younger sister)
Girl,
Next time, call me!
I will come drink with you!!!!!!!
Seriously, Noah is driving me insaaaane!!!
LOL – Ana Paula sent this to me, and it makes me so happy that we’re not all alone….I’m there with you! I really needed some laughter today and you provided it even though I don’t even know you! Have fun and enjoy! I have only 1 2 year old little girl…but 1 on the way…you’re making me even more nervous…but can’t wait for all the laughs!
Hey, remember I had 2 kids in one year. I remember a time (before monitors) I finally got you and Jenny down to sleep and was so frazzled I set at the top of the stairs ( so I could hear any little peep) and drank a few beers. My mother came in and saw me setting at the top of the stairs. and she told Grandpa ” I think she is loosing it” Once in a while these days happens. Love MOM
Hugs to you. I feel your pain. Hang in there, and have another beer. Tomorrow is a brand new day….thank goodness.
Lori,
Hopefully, the Universe has apologized by now and things are back to wonderful selves. Sounds like one crap of a day and if you ended with just two beers, I am impressed and maybe even a little disappointed 🙂 I deal these days with at least half a bottle of wine and for the record sometimes you just need to have a drink by yourself and that’s okay. And if someone doesn’t think so, you can always hang with me and we’ll drink together 🙂
There is no way that you are screwing up your kids, don’t think that for a second… it’s more of a matter of some days the world is fighting us and there is nothing we can do about it, but accept that we’re just not going to win. And this day will be a distant memory soon and you’ll know where your true happiness is… and that’s at home with those girls!
Here’s to a better day and another beer!
Bethany
Girl, I am right there with you:) Kaitlyn has started laying on the floor and kicking and screaming when she doesn’t get what she wants. Let’s just say I have no clue what to do!!! What happened to my sweet little baby? I’m not gonna lie, some days just plain old suck. But then there are those days when all is right with the world, and hopefully today is one of those days! We’re wishing you the best Friday ever:) We miss you guys!!!
Love,
Kara, Mike and Katie