I’d love to not write this. I’d love to get really drunk tonight and attempt to erase today from my memory. But that would be denying the history I am attempting to capture here, and perhaps writing words that might bring comfort to someone having experienced what we went through today.
Today, at a very crowded, rainy outdoor outlet mall, we lost Sara. And found Sara. And experienced the worst 3 minutes of our entire lives. Greg and I walked out of Adidas, and he went left to join Randy and I went right with the stroller to head to another store. Sara decided to walk, slipped out of the stroller, and tried to follow Greg, simply assuming he and I were going in the same direction. How I did not see her slip out still blows my mind. It still seems implausible to me. THANK GOD I stopped a few steps later to ask Sara if she wanted to ride a mall ride. I leaned down over the rain cover and she was gone.
I won’t go into length into my terror or feelings. Frozen in fear is the best explanation. I called Greg, screaming, “I don’t have Sara!”, called Amanda and Carolann in breathless pain and stood perfectly still while Greg dashed around where we had just been. I yelled for security. I watched Mothers give me looks of judgment I cannot describe. Looks I’m sure I’ve given. Looks I now regret with all my heart. I dared not move as I was standing in the last place I’d seen her, and maybe the place she’d think to return to. Other than that…not a single other thought crossed my mind. Other than, I wanted perhaps to die, thinking it would take a miracle to find her in that rainy chaos.
In mere seconds, Greg rounded the corner, running out of the rain, looking like he’d been to war, holding Sara high in his arms. Wet, scared, and also too shocked to even cry. I didn’t have the energy to grab her, but instead fell to my knees, over the top of her stroller seat, and collapsed into sobs. Praying, praying, praying and praising God for the greatest miracle I could ask for. Praising God for putting Amie into my life who suggested to me last month that I pray for God to steer bad people away from my children. Praising God that I had done just that every night for a month. Praising God for answering prayer. For guardian angels. For my husband who could find his children in seconds in a stadium full of 3 year olds all wearing yellow. For the nameless family who stopped to hold Sara while she cried that she was lost. I simply ask that you take a moment to thank God too.
I desperately wish to tell you that I learned something. That I know what I’d do differently. But honestly, Sara has been within my sights since birth. No one I know would peg me as the Mom who’d lose her child. Today was extraordinarily random and horrible event. I was distracted by the crowd and deafening noise of the rain. This is parenting. This is the risk we take. We cannot control everything. We must leave a few things to God and his Glory. We must accept that life and parenthood is the scariest FREAKING THING ON EARTH.
Sara gripped onto my neck and did not let go until we got back to the beach condo. She kissed me right on the lips and said, “I’m sorry I lost you Mommy. We’re going to be friends forever and ever and ever.”
To which I replied, “Please God. Please let that be true. I love you too. And what just happened was what happened to Nemo. ” If you could have seen the look on her face, you’d know that she knew. She knew what just happened.
I’ll stop blathering now to return to our vacation. My in-laws started pouring the cosmos the minute we returned to the Condo. I hope to be in my absent, kind of numb place right after I fill up on my fantastic chicken pot pie. I thank you for any comments because right now I’m feeling pretty fragile. Pretty grateful. And hopefully, pretty tipsy soon.
9 responses to “Our Worst Nightmare”
Hi Lori !!!
Awwwwww……I feel bad for you, I know how scared you must have been !! All is ok though so go ahead and get tipsy and enjoy your vacation ! I love reading your stories 🙂
Oh, my dear friends…As I was reading your post Lori my heart was literally in my throat. Thank GOD your little girl is right back where she belongs. She’s a brave little almost 3 year old. Drink a TON of cosmos tonight and just remember that stuff like this happens to even the best parents, which you guys are!!! Give that little girl a big hug from us.
Hope Kelly’s baptism and Sara’s birthday are incredible days, I know they will be.
Love,
KMT
Lori, I am here crying my heart out, and wanting to talk to you, and wanting to hear from you…and wanting to give you a big hug.
You are an AWESOME mother. And I am so glad Sara is back in your arms, FOREVER!
Love you girl!
Ana Paula
Hi Lori,
My, I felt like I was there along with you at that awful time…What a shock that had to be!~!~!!!. Only another Mom can just imagine how scared you were!!!
Have fun at the beach…
I had missed your almost daily writings and wondered about you all. I love reading about your family…Love, Susie
I don’t even know what to say. I felt ill reading that. I know you are sitting in judgement on yourself… stop. You are an amazing mother, and things happen. Thank you merciful Father for watching over Sara.
LU
Lori!
I hope you were able to somehow enjoy your cosmos filled evening. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through, but I felt it as I read your words. You are one of the BEST and most AMAZING MOMS I know!!!! And I know the longest 3 minutes of your life taught Sara just another amazing life lesson from you….. The Nemo reference hits right to the core of a 3 year old! I have a feeling someone will be watching that movie again soon. And we will definitely be saying a few prayers of thanks for Sara being safely returned!!! Here’s to enjoying the rest of the vacation without any more excitement 🙂
Love you guys!
Bethany
You brought tears to my eyes. I feel your fear in my heart from just reading about your experience. I see three lessons to take away. First, you’ve done a wonderful job raising your daughters. Sara was smart and aware enough to tell a stranger she was lost! Second, we can’t control what happens in life. We only feel like we can on the days when things go the way we want and God lets us live the illusion. Third, bad things will happen to our kids. It’s our job to teach them the coping skills and how to handle these tough situations, which again, you clearly have. You guys are amazing parents with amazing kids!!! How you and Sara handled this very scary situation is just one more example that proves it!
My second worst nightmare! Lori, please take the biggest hug from Bryce and I for your entire family. You are all brave. We love you guys and the knot in my stomach is still there for you. You and Greg have done an amazing job with both Sara and Kelly. We miss you all.
Keri and Bryce
It seems like yesterday that Amanda was three and playing in the clothing carousel putting her feet up on the frame when she “vanished”. This was next to the door, next to the parking lot and next to the beltway. I’m thinking.. gone. baby gone. It was the longest heart ripped out of my chest five minutes that felt like an eternity. Luckily she wondered back to the last place we visit and told the sales lady that her mommy was lost!! Security scooped her up and brought her to a safe place for our reunion. The tears over shadowed the fear. This feeling lies tucked away in my soul never to be forgotten. Amanda made sure that I never got lost again!!