Oh, you painful Recession, the cause of my recent outbreak of acne (or PMS, but let’s just go with the Recession because I want to be hip for a change).  Because we’ve all been essentially…um…grounded (like teenagers who missed curfew while hanging out at the Student Center after the game, NOT like grown adults whom have found their centered and happy place), we’ve had a lot of time to think about how we got here.

When I asked Greg what he thought were the main contributors of the Big R, I got the following list: sub-prime mortgages, collateralized debt obligations, derivatives, securitization, a failed Valued-At-Risk model, inept rating agencies, greedy consumerism, poor use of credit…clearly when he says he’s reading “The News”, he’s NOT reading E! Online.  Good for him.  Of course if he finds himself on the subway with Bruce Willis, he won’t know to say, “Congratulations on your recent nuptials.  Amazing the physical similarities between your new wife and your ex-wife.”  He WON’T EVEN KNOW.  Indiana doesn’t have any subways.  Advantage Greg.

But, as someone thoroughly educated in economics, I have unearthed the true cause of the Recession…FINE.  I took Economics in High School, and the ONLY thing I remember is that Tim spit gum into Marie’s hair every single day.  She  had A LOT OF HAIR.  It was the 80’s.  She had a lot of hair for the 80’s.  In Indiana.  Can you even imagine?  I chose a science major in college JUST to avoid economics.  But I digress.

Unveiled to you now, the true cause of our economic crisis: DOLLAR SECTIONS.  Not Dollar Stores, DOLLAR SECTIONS.  You know what I mean; Target, Michaels, JoAnn Fabrics….they have single-handedly caused a full blown nationwide financial meltdown with their CRACK-LADEN DOLLAR SECTIONS.  You cruise by, you tell yourself you’re not even going to look.  You don’t need any crap.  But the colors are bright.  The bins are well-stocked.  The DOLLAR SIGN is flashing out at you, screaming, “IT’S A BUCK!  What if the THING-A-MA WHATZIT you’ve longed for all your life is BURIED IN HERE?!  JUST TAKE A LOOK.”

20 minutes later you stumble out, looking like you’ve just left The Chug on a Saturday night in 1994 after a few too many nickel beers, and in your post-shopping haze, you stare down at your big red Target cart….that’s right, you’ve just collected FIFTY BUCKS WORTH OF ABSOLUTE CRAP.  Stop the rationalizing right there.  You will NEVER have a reason to use that funky blue and green pack of gift tags.  How many personal journals DO WE NEED PEOPLE?  A shower loofah shaped like a daisy?  Was that critical to your hygiene regime?

Having an addiction to paper products, you can imagine the time and money I’ve spent in dollar sections.  Last week Micheal’s dollar section went ON SALE.  Someone should have tied me to the front of a ship before I crashed us into the rocks.  I’m the kind of girl who will use a half off coupon on junk I buy in the dollar section.  I’m not proud.  However, if 3M goes out of business and the world runs out sticky notes and magnetic shopping lists, I’ve got this house covered.  Potentially for decades.

I buy all the girls’ “surprises” from dollar sections.  They have Reward Charts taped to the insides of their toy boxes and when Sara flushes and washes enough, or when Kelly uses a spoon or a fork 4x…they get to pull down the Surprise Basket and take pleasure in Mommy’s dollar section “problem”.  They find the whole thing absolutely fabulous.  Today they both picked out compact mirrors and when Daddy wouldn’t let Kelly take her’s to bed, she screamed for an hour.  I felt for her deeply.

So there you have it.  We’ve sold our nation’s security for themed 4th of July headbands and Hannah Montana pens.  How can we live with ourselves?  If anyone has any answers, I’ll gladly send you a thank you note.  I have 10 packs of 8 cards each, just waiting to be opened.