Hello, my name is Maximus Rube Wahlberg, but if we get on friendly terms, you can call me Max.  I can’t chat long…I have a lot of work to do.  I’m one hard-working cat.  As you can see here, I’m in charge of guarding The Momma’s Unfinished Objects (aka UFOs).  I like to inspect them daily, even though she insists it’s not necessary.  And by “insists”, I mean screams at the top of her lungs for me to get out of the sewing room.  Apparently she prefers if I just hang around the door, being a Sara & Kelly Bouncer. You think I’m messy in a sewing room, wait until you see what those jokers can do…

I am happy to be the family’s speed bump.  It’s tough work, but quite reliable if you can get it.  Basically, I’m always RIGHT at their feet, no matter what they are doing, all day.  If I didn’t take on this daring duty, no one would be reminded to always look where they are walking.  They’d just breeze through the house all day, never looking where they are stepping.  We can’t have that! Oh no!  Don’t step there!  That’s where I puked up Sara’s leftover Chex Mix Snack!

I’m also in charge of sleeping logistics.  If the girls doze off at naps, it’s my job to make sure they are still breathing.  Again, I take this seriously.  I get RIGHT up in their faces.  If I’m not sure, I like to take my paw and bat at their noses.  When they wake up, I know they’re OK.  Then The Momma yells “MAX! GET OUT OF HERE!”, to let me know I’ve done a good job and can get on with my other duties.

I’m a guard cat during sleeping hours.  Just as The Momma starts to doze off at night, I either knock something large over, or jump off a table while meow’ing loudly.  It’s important I do this every single night, so as she dozes off, she knows I’m taking over.  Max is ON DUTY Madame.  Sleep soundly.  When I’m ready for my purr break, I jump on top of her stomach and knead away at her belly, usually around 3 am.  Again, letting her know I’m still alive, and reminding her to get to the gym tomorrow.

If The Momma leaves the garage door so much as cracked an inch while she runs out to the extra fridge to grab some eggs, I get into the garage to let her know we’re not heating the garage FOR FREE MOMMA.  SHUT THAT DOOR.  She always thanks me by clapping her hands very loudly.  And she says, “Max!  Max!  Get in the house!”  That Momma…always worried about my safety.

I think I’ve settled in quite nicely here.  There is another cat, and we’ve nearly agreed to disagree.  She’s just not my kind of feline; always lying about, purring, looking cute, and cuddling quietly between Momma and Daddee.  Where’s the purpose in that?  Where’s the drive?  The commitment?  This cat has no goals if you want my opinion.  She’ll never be promoted.

Hello, my name is Max, and I’m at your service.