Dear Max-Rube,

Don’t give me that sassy look.  It wasn’t my idea to reintroduce to the great outdoors.  I’ve always had indoor cats, and because we adopted you past your kitten years, and you were a stray, it was DADDY’S idea to let you out.  We kept finding you outside anyway, which makes you sneaky, in an almost magical way.  Last week Sara asked as we pulled out of the garage at 7:15 am, “Hey Mommy?  Why is Max laying on the driveway?”  WHAT?!

But listen, no matter how many times we’ve let you explore the outdoors, it wasn’t OUR idea for you to climb the gigantic evergreen in the back yard, and I don’t care how juicy those robins looked.  You cannot effectively climb a thick conifer Max, and NOW YOU KNOW.  Getting stuck in a tree of that magnitude is problematic on many levels.  First, you were covered in needles.  Second, you decided rather than climbing down, you’d climb OUT, which is nothing more than following one bad decision with another.  You are the Lindsay Lohan of cats.  Going outside of your house, feeling high on life,  chasing things you shouldn’t, and then falling right out of trees with everyone watching.

I know you found it embarrassing that I had to rescue you from an uncertain fate.  I’m sure you were mortified by the robins who sat on the deck posts, laughing their asses off at your predicament.  Robins are notorious for their senses of humor, and you knew that going in.  I’m sure you were horrified to hear the chants of Sara and Kelly as I gently lowered the branches until I could safely grab you and carry you back to the house.  After all, being rescued by your main tormentors was not your proudest moment.

You’ve stuck to the back porch since “the great conifer debacle”.  I’m happy to let you out, but if you get stuck under the porch, there you shall stay my friend.  There are some spaces into which I simply won’t go.

Stop protesting your captivity by trying to camp out in trees.  It doesn’t work for humans, and it will never work for cats.  I’m just saying.

Love,

Your Family