Every day for weeks, this was my greeting on my way home. I loved it, a sign pointing towards a choice: to harvest, or not to harvest? That is the question. The answer is obvious…eventually, the field to the left was harvested. Harvest Day always comes.
Today is my day for choices. My employer sent a succinct letter by registered mail today, requesting my decision to return to work or resign. The 2.5 years of living in a hazy ambiguity of being the stay at home Mom with a secret job title that kind-of-sort-of-exists-but-is-entirely-on-hold while I grow tomatoes…that hazy just became crystal clear. My extended leave of absence is nearly over, end of story. I knew this day was coming, but maybe, in the back of my head, I was hoping in the current chaos at work, they’d forget about me. Or maybe decide to catch up with me later. Because to me, nothing tastes better than sweet, sweet career ambiguity. I’ve been very, “Oh? Excuse me? What did you say? I am a Neuroscience Consultant? Really? Let’s think about that later…I’ve got laundry to fold….”.
10 years of binders and trips and endless reams of data and performance reviews and relocations and a billion hours of meetings and mountain climbing, in the end, was summed up in 1 short paragraph. You can stay. You can go. You must decide now. Sign here.
As I looked down at my scuffed tennis shoes and ripped sweatshirt, trying to remember if I remembered to shower…I thought, oh God, if they saw me now, they’d never want me. Who I am today looks nothing like who I was a short 30 months ago.
As I looked over at Kelly having her 10th obstinate 3 year old meltdown of the morning, refusing to put on her ballet skirt, pouting that she wants to eat lunch at 9:30 am, and she is going to finish her Chariot for the Transportation Parade, but WAIT! NO, she is NOT…I thought, wow, a nice Nordstrom suit and a meeting where people took me seriously? Sounds pretty good.
Not many people get the choice to flip the switch on their life. In one signature, I could change our entire reality. Hire a nanny, a housekeeper (no more cleaning bathrooms!), get some brand new shoes, a trip to Disney…buy a new house. Just like that…snap. No more worrying that by paying for Kindergarten it will be harder to save for college. No more saving for house improvements. If the car breaks? Just get a new one. More health insurance. I could get a pedicure, and a haircut. Maybe a WHOLE hairstyle! When people ask me what I do for a living, I’ll look less confused by the question.
No more lazy afternoons with the girls, laying on my arms, sharing the sordid tales of the tire swing. No more digging through consignment, not because I don’t love it, but because when the new season hits the racks, I’ll be in Russia. Or at a medical meeting in Toronto, or up against a deadline so definitively unbreakable, the walls of my office will sweat from the pressure. No more hanging out on the playground at early Friday pick up. No more summers, or Tuesday mornings spent in the berry fields. I wonder if I’d ever have the time or energy to sew. No more gourmet dinners, at least, not cooked by me. No more wacky birthday party crafting or last minute playdates with girlfriends. No more wondering who I’m going to be when I grow up. I’ll just go back to being the girl turning 40 (someday), with the title and the business card…having it all. That’s what I’ve always wanted, right?
Wasn’t that to be my story? You CAN have it ALL. Career! Great marriage! Kids! A big house and fancy car! DISNEY WORLD! It’s yours. Just sign right here.
Can I not have a cute, pithy summary today? Can I be honest, and tell you I feel somewhere between puking and passing out? I knew this day would come. But as is most things in life, it’s hard to prepare yourself for how you’ll feel when it gets here.
You’ve shared this journey with me, almost every single day for the past 5 years. Your thoughts and comments are so very welcome in this space today.
18 responses to “If You Could Just Sign.Right.Here.”
Wow! I really feel for you – I know this is something that I’d be praying about – really hard…
Best Wishes…Blessings and Peace be with you as you make this difficult decision…
Well, mama…. I was with you the day you walked through the door of “said company”, and I am here today when you close that chapter of life. Remember, life is not measured by the quantity, but by the quality. I would say you get the absolute best out of everyday you spend nurturing and developing your legacy. Look in their eyes, sweet friend. You knew the answer the day you walked out the door. God will open another door down the road, if one needs to open. Through thick and thin.
Lori-
Wow, been there! I made my decision last year…Leave without pay could only last for so long:) NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think my MBA would just be a piece of paper hanging on the wall next to one of Katie’s watercolor paintings:) I can’t even tell you how much I feel for you right now. I made my decision and I dont regret it. My advice, go with your gut sister. You know what’s right for you and if there’s one thing I’m certain of, you are going to make the best decision for your family, whatever that is. Maybe you can have it all and do it all. And maybe you can’t. Whatever you decide to do, just remember you are an incredible wife and mother!
Love you!
Kara
I empathize with your tough decision. As you are aware, I’m on the front end of that same decision, down the road in about 2.5 years. When my husband accepted his OUS assignment, I was concerned at first that I would have to put my career on hold. I felt that he was taking something from me, something I had worked very hard to earn. I now realize that he didn’t take anything from me…rather, he gave something to me.
Your amazing creativity, through this blog and through your daily interactions with your children, far exceeds what would be offered to you in a corporate environment. You should be opening your own business in cooking, baking, sewing, or writing, alongside the direct nurturing of two beautiful girls. Money is money. Do what you love and the money will follow.
Follow your heart, my friend. Whatever you choose, your friends support you. xo
Here’s my 2 cents…working full time while parenting “spirited” girls is challenging, that’s for sure. Often I think that if we didn’t need the health insurance/money, I would quit in a SECOND and be home, volunteering for the girls’ schools, walking the dog, and sewing. That would be awesome, and I may get to do it someday. When K is having a bad day and I am stuck in my classroom 45 minutes away, it’s a terrible, terrible feeling.
But deep down I also believe it is a really GOOD thing for K that I am away at work, having my own life. If I could come to her rescue, her life would be easier in the short term but much harder in the long term. Right now she knows I’m not available and she’s got to get through it.
It’s also important to me that my girls saw me struggle through grad school and graduate, and now they see me using my degree. It’s taught them about hanging in there when their own schooling gets tough.
My working full time has also forced my husband to step up to the plate in ways that are good for the girls to see. (He is the one the school calls if the girls get sick because he is closer and more available.) With the two of us, I tend to take over and he tends to let me, so my working has really been a good thing in that regard.
I am NOT in ANY way saying that being a SAHM is not valuable — it is so valuable — but my girls gain something from me working, too.
Our firstborn girls have a lot in common, and being 5 more years down the road, I can look back with a little bit of perspective. I can honestly say that for my girl the most important thing over these past 5 years has been the school and the support services that go along with it. It wasn’t really me, or my physical presence at school (email is a wonderful thing, let me tell you), but her teachers and therapists. When they were bad, EVERYTHING WAS BAD. Now that they are good again, everything is good.
It is SO AWESOME that you have found the right school already, I can’t tell you what a gift that is. In my opinion, that school is what’s going to see you through the next 8+ years in one piece.
Because of this, I honestly think you and Greg should sit down and look at what it will take to keep your girls at their school and build their supports/lives around school.
You are making it work in amazing ways, and I have NO DOUBT that you can continue to make it work. You are smart, creative, and committed to your family, and you’ll have success NO MATTER WHAT you choose to do.
But would it be better for your family if you could buy a house closer to the school? Would it be better for your family if you didn’t have to worry about tuition? Would it be better for your family if you could afford to hire some people to help with the unique challenges kids like ours face? (The college-educated sitter with Special Ed experience who is going to be keeping my girl company while she’s on break is truly a blessing to both me and her…she will do MUCH better with her than she would with me.)
For me, it is better for my family if I work. The biggest reason for this is that if I didn’t work, we wouldn’t have health insurance (and don’t get me started on that right now). But I also can honestly say I am a better mom as a result of working. My mental health is better, which always makes things better. My job allows my husband to pursue his dream, which is also a good thing for us. But most of all, having a job/identity of my own has allowed me to move out of the way of the girls as they develop their own identities. I honestly would be one of those moms who is at school EVERY DAY “helping” K. with her problems, and that honestly wouldn’t be good for anyone involved.
I want you to know I am passing ZERO judgment on you, your children, your husband, etc etc etc…I just wanted to share my perspective. You will have all you need no matter what you decide….you are wonderful!
This is a hard one for me to comment on, and I am not sure I have much perspective, seeing as how I don’t have a career or a family! But, I can tell you how I see things. When you decided to stay home, I thought you were crazy. WHAT is she doing? Doesn’t she KNOW she’s throwing her life away? She was a SUCCESS. Fast track to the executive suite. Just going to sit at home and watch CARTOONS all day??? What a total waste of talent. She is going to hate it.
Well, 2.5 years later, I have quite a different perspective. Your girls know how to cook. They know how to sew. They know how to buy 25,000 Xmas gifts for $50. They can grow a garden, bake pies, and bargain shop. They see every exhibit at the museum, read every book that is published (all of which only cost $1 at the book sale!) and pick their own berries. Your 5 year old and your 3 year old know more than I do about canning, organic food, Rainbow Lorikeets, and physics. Sara knows more about public works projects than Sarah Palin (maybe your Sara should be our next president – she’d probably do a better job.) Your children and your husband are loved, well fed, and happy. Hill is right – every woman and every family have to make the choice that is right for them. I really, really thought you might be making the wrong choice 3 years ago, but now I think that definition of success is too narrow. You have redesigned yourself and your family’s life. If you all like it, leave it alone. But ultimately, Hill is right – only you know what is in your heart.
Whatever you decide, you will be awesome. 🙂
Hillary, life is just too hard without you in it. I’ve never once in my life felt judgment from you…just pure hope and love. You and Lydia mean the world to me.
Love, Me
P.S. Remember when we covered “REAL” problems over yogurt when we were 17? Those issues were REAL man!
if you leave it behind, make sure it is a job worth leaving it behind for! don’t take a job based on the thought that it can improve your lifestyle($). Take it b/c it would be something you’d LOVE almost as much as staying home. Otherwise, you will feel like it’s just stealing time from your family. Remember a Disney trip only lasts a week! 🙂
Lori,
I felt my own chest tighten up when I read your post. As each year that my youngest gets closer to kindergarten, that voice in my head asks, “So what are you going to do with your life now?” Granted, I do not have a letter presented to me as you do, but I know that I share some of the questions that are going through your head right now. It is very unnerving to make a decision that will affect not only you, but your family, in such a profound way.
With Avery starting kindergarten next fall, I knew I had to make some decisions. I took my 2 master’s courses to ensure that my teaching license was current and could be utilized if needed. But the more I thought about going back to teaching, the more depressed I got. Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching, it is all the other “stuff” that goes with teaching that I don’t love. Although I could teach tomorrow if I wanted, my heart was guiding me elsewhere. Of course, you know where my heart was guiding me because you were one of my angels that was lighting the way! And now that I have made this decision, I have to say that the tightening in my chest has gone away. I have made my decision to pursue my passion, my dream, which is to be a present mom and try my hand at writing. What a blessing that I can do both! Now you know how I feel about your writing. I feel that you were born with a gift and that gift would be wasted if it were not used. I also believe that God has placed you in the story that needs to be told someday. I think you also know how much I admire you as a mom. You are one of the most incredible mothers that I know. In my opinion, a total hands-on mother who is absolutely the best person to spend the most time each day with those precious girls. I see Sara making leaps and bounds under your loving guidance, skill and education. YOU are the most qualified person in the world to help your daughter be successful (this coming from a teacher of children with learning disabilities for 10 years). And despite the struggles and difficulties you face each day, there is always a silver lining in every single post you write. Your happiness doing the stay at home mom thing is so tangible that I can literally feel it in my hands and hold it close to my heart, the way that you do. I often think, if only all the precious babies in this world had a mom like Lori. Oh, what the world would be like then.
On the flip side, I don’t know what kind of neuroscience researcher you were (but I am guessing a pretty damn good one). And I don’t know how that job made you feel inside. Maybe it meets needs in you that staying at home can not. Only you know.
I guess what I am trying to say is, if you can figure out where your heart lies, then you have the answer. Perhaps if you can envision waking up in the morning and seeing yourself doing what makes you the happiest, the most fulfilled, the most at peace, what would it be?
I often dream the answers to my most troubling questions. I think that is the only time when God can get me to be still and listen (but I am working on it, you know!). I pray that tonight your dreams reveal the answer that lies in your heart. But know this, sweet Lori, you will make either of these situations work beautifully for your family. You will make the best of any situation. There is no right or wrong answer when YOU, my friend, are part of the equation.
from my heart to yours,
Rachel
I love you and I am here for you, if you want to talk through this.
Your friends who have also written are so right when they say there is no right or wrong, there is what works for you and your family.
You will always have me by your side, my friend, whatever it is that you decide.
You are a wonderful woman, mom, consultant, wife, human being and friend…you will do wonderful things wherever you feel like you are called to be.
Love you.
My heart goes out to you. I thought about you all night. The good news is, you’ve been on both sides of the fence. My advice (and oddly people have actually paid me money for this advice)…sometimes you have to let a little crazy in. Let your mind go, choose a decision and live it in your mind. You know what working for someone else is like. You know what working for your family is like. Give yourself time to imagine them both as the next stage of your life. When your gut feels yucky, it’s not the right way. No one can make this decision but you and your family. And at the end of the day…know that you can change your mind even after the signature. You can decide to go back and then quit. You could decide not to go back now, only to decide to go back later. Pop in You’ve Got Mail, prop yourself up at your sewing machine and work your mind through it. I’m 100% sure you’ll find the right answer.
Big hugs from our family to yours!!!
There will always be research, medicine and a need to find the perfect drug. Children are small for such a short time but the adventures you share with them during these formative years last a life time. Be proud that you have this choice and enjoy!
Going back wouldn’t be the same. You’d know what you are missing.
Lori – I have a friend that you know very well 😉 that sometimes feels less is more. I can say so much to you right now. I could take you back to the personal and professional journey that has brought to you where you are today. I could completely echo what others have said…children are only small once…you will NEVER be able to go back in time and change this decision to attend the winter play instead of your obligation to the ” High Priority” task that has been put on your plate. I can assure you that the only decision you would never be able to mitigate is the one to chose the beautiful girls and your wonderful husband and family. Everything else can be accomplished in so many other ways. But you can’t ever go back in time to be with them. So many times we just need to keep it simple. So as this same good friend stands in her kitchen, where little girls have learned letters, numbers, painted works of art and cooked as brilliant as any ever will, what does she see as she repeatedly cleans that dish for the 3rd time that day?
Having it all doesn’t mean……..(you fill in the rest). Focus on this as you make your decision. In my eyes everything else is materialistic and is not worth it in the end. You, of all people, know the most everlasting memories are made by creating and laughing with the family. Experiencing nature such as the woods, oceans, beaches, cornfields and even orchards have more to offer than any expensive shortlived getaway.
Regardless of your decision, your dedication and talents are endless. Either way….there are 2 things that are for certain…you will be brilliant and there will be cake! (lol) Hugs! Love, Ange
Ange…There will ALWAYS be cake. I miss being exposed to your brilliance! You have always been a light for me.
Lori
Lori,
Here’s what you do…..find a book publisher……..write a book called “wisdom comes suddenly” and write about your family adventures……….with being the writer that you are, you would have a best seller………and never have to worry about $$$ and be able to stay at home too ! Best of both worlds ! I know you could do it. I would be first in line at your book signing. Love ya !
Love you too Kathi! Thanks for the words of encouragement. You know “Wisdom Comes Suddenly” as a book has been rolling around in my head for a while now!
Oh my I didn’t know that Lori ! But I think it’s an excellent idea. You have such remarkable talent, your words just come alive, and as I’ve told you before, I love reading every word. There is so much feeling in it. Hope you are feeling better, and I’m so sorry about your Grandmother. 🙁