Apparently climbing trees is a use-it-or-lose-it skill.
Soulemama did a “Simply Ten” post today. Lovely. They are centering. They are real. They are now. I sorely wanted to join the fun and accept her invitation to do my own 10, but my “now” is nothing but transition. The garden is brown. The apple harvest ain’t pretty. My only consistency is my daily little trip to the gym. Let’s be clear: I am NO GYM RAT. They make me wear a necklace that reads, “Steer clear. This one is clumsy, you’all.” But at the very least, it’s been a change of scenery.
And I’ve learned some new things at the gym. Because I went for many years without a TV, I am not much of a TV watcher. (For absolutely no particular reason whatsoever…I mean seriously, if you are going to ditch your TV, you should at least have an ethos about it.) The girls like their cartoons and movies, and I’m not a strict clock watcher about their TV time, to be honest. I simply cannot seem to muster opinions about TV. There it is again! No ethos! I’ll never get invited to a Wall Street Protest now.
But I digress. At the gym, there are many TVs, and they are all ON. And all in close-captioning, which means you actually have to put forth effort to watch the programs. I barely watch TV with sound, let alone trying to read while I’m running. Who has this kind of energy? But sometimes, while trying to distract myself from the pain of getting my muscles to do anything after a 6-year workout hiatus, I have found myself looking up and following along. TV is just insane. Kooky-looky-totally-spooky.
So, here are 10 things I’ve learned at the gym while trying desperately not to fall off the treadmill:
(1) If you are in a show with the word “Jersey” in the title, you can’t speak without a teasing comb in your hand. It’s apparently some kind of rule. Also, everyone must be pissed off, all the time.
(2) I’m pretty sure the Kardashians, while very pretty, don’t speak much English.
(3) There isn’t enough news to fill a ticker for an entire day, but man-oh-man, does CNN try.
(4) The above is doubly true for Entertainment Television, unless the late breaking snippet about Eddie Cibrian cutting his foot and Lee Ann Rhimes rushing to his side at a Chicago hospital is a make-or-break piece of info in your day. If this data is critical to you, there are many TV stations dedicated to your needs.
(5) The worst job in America is the guy who has to type Kathie Lee Gifford’s closed-captioning. It’s like following the conversation of a 2 year old who is watching Elmo and smoking crack. If you think that’s harsh, you don’t watch much of the “Today” show.
(6) Weather. There is always weather. Lots and lots and lots of weather. Humans love weather because it’s the one thing on earth we don’t own. Weather rocks.
(7) I don’t care how big or how HD a TV is, baseball is always better live.
(8) The Fed Chairman looks like he’s been awake for 20 years. Who takes that job? There’s no winning in that job. Sorry Ben…bad career move.
(9) Much like the show “The Hills”, any reality show with the title “Housewives Of…” is mostly about having a drink of some kind in your hand (coffee, vodka, what have you…time of day matching the appropriateness of the drink in hand is completely irrelevant), and crying. So much of the crying. Usually about boys, mostly about rich people problems, but lots of drinking and crying. America loves to watch rich people moan. Why is that? I’m stumped.
(10) The most irritating thing on earth is a screen rotating inspirational tweets from America’s leading fitness experts. Even they run out of positive crap to say. One day Bob Harper from “The Biggest Loser” tweeted “My favorite color is purple! What’s yours?” Wow Bob. I was about to give up on this terrible run, but then you asked me my favorite color and I forgot all about my hip cramp. AMAZING! And then only 1 thought came to mind: Mark Wahlberg. You know what this gym needs? More JT, and more inspirational chants from Mark Wahlberg. Why doesn’t the world implement by ground-breaking ideas?
Sara demonstrating proper work-out technique: first, you’ll need a dress and some overpriced, and very glittery, tennis shoes. THEN, you’ll need WOLF EARS. (To scare off predators, duh…WHO are you running from, after all?)
At the end of it all, I can say that getting my butt back into the gym is working. As a very no-likey-the-gym kind of person, I have spent many years being overwhelmed by work out information. Don’t run. Do run. Do Cross-Fit. Cycle. Cross-train. Whatever you do, don’t cross train. You should swim. Spot training doesn’t work. You need weight resistance. You need more cardio. You need to push yourself….blah, blah, blah…my cranium is cracking…blah. I decided to chuck everything I have EVER heard, and just do whatever the hell I want. So I run. Just a little…really…a little. I run less than 2 miles a day. And I’m slow. But I love it. My mind goes to blank, and it’s just me, being silent. And silently cursing any idiot who would keep Kathie Lee Gifford on television. Is this our bell curve? Really? I do a few push ups. I do a few sit ups. I stretch. I go home. Once a week, I row.
And here’s the weird thing: for the first time in my life, I don’t have to talk myself into going to the gym. I WANT to go. I’ve silenced the voices of trainers who tell me I could get more or do more or be more. I’m fine. I’m down 15 lbs and 9 inches. I did all of it, going slow, being clumsy, and using zero.zero fancy equipment. I don’t know, maybe watching those brunette sisters stumble through their non-problems inspires me to be a stronger person. Maybe I’m getting stronger so that if I run into a girl from New Jersey who is wielding a teasing comb, I can protect myself. It’s hard to say. If you need me, I’m the super slow girl in the old work out clothes and shoes that need duct-tape, feeling great! But don’t come too close. Those medicine balls tend to get away from me and the most inopportune times.