In case you ever wonder my little ladies, if I had it to do over, I would not change a single choice I made. You have been, and always will be, the thing I was supposed to be doing.

God and I had a conversation about 4 years ago that went something like this:

God: I need you to quit your job.

Me: You must be joking.  No way.

God: Way.

Me: WHAT?!!  I love my job.

God: Sara needs you.  Your family needs you.  You know in your gut something is wrong.

Me: And walking away from a career that has defined me is the way to fix it?

God: Going to need you to go in a different direction on that whole definition thing.

Me: I’m not your huckleberry.

God: Going to have to disagree with you on that one.

Me: I can’t believe I’m doing this.  I can’t believe I’m doing this.  I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS!

2 years later:

Me: ADHD?  Is this some kind of a twisted joke?  I studied it for years, and now SHE HAS IT?!

God: You should have seen that coming.

Me: You’re not funny.

(2 months pass)

Me: Dyspraxia?  I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS!  I can’t do this.

God: Stay the course.

Me: This is NOT a course.  This is CHAOS.

(2 months pass)

Me: Visual Therapy is $5,000.  You told me to quit my job.  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

God: Stay the course.

Me: I’ve turned into a glorified taxi driver, under-qualified therapist, seriously under-qualified tutor, and the worst child psychologist on the planet.  I couldn’t be DOING THIS MORE WRONG.

God: Have patience with the process.  Stay the course.

Me: I’m so upset, I have nothing more to say to you right now.  Wait…I do have one more thing:  I MISS MY JOB.

1 year passes:

Me: Well, I hope you can see what a mess this has turned into.  Meds, therapists, years of anguish and an unreal amount of money.  Now she’s going to repeat a grade, and oh yes, as an added bonus, she blames me. I told you I was the wrong person for this job.  I’m browsing career websites like other people browse Zulily.

God: Stay the course.

Me: WOULD YOU STOP IT WITH STAY THE COURSE?!  THIS SUCKS!  IT SUCKETH TO THE SUCKY-SUCK, EL SUCKO, LE SUCK DE SUCK!

God: You have the patience of a fruit gnat.

Me: AND THIS SURPRISES YOU?  I feel like this flaw was fully disclosed quite some ago.

God: Actually, I was hoping you would surprise me. I think you know in your gut something is starting to go right.

Me: You’re just going to let me walk out on this limb, aren’t you?  You’re just going to let me jump off this cliff.  FINE!  I can’t believe I’m doing this.

God: Stay the course.

Me: ZIP IT.

Last week, sitting alone in the Meeting Center, buried neck-deep in food:

Me: Why do I have this funny sensation that I was supposed to be here?  Why does the PTA closet smell like home to me?  Why does this feel so right?  I know this feeling!  I’m…….um…….I think I’m happy.

God: Hahahahahahaha.

Me: YOU’RE NOT FUNNY.

God: Yes I am.

Today:

Let me set the stage: Girls dressed up for a Daisy Scout Ceremony.  Hot chocolate.  EVERYWHERE.  Mommy with only black coffee in her system so she could have her preventative healthcare labs drawn.  Committee work which were not playing on my strengths. Don’t get me started. Lab tech also not having a great morning. Band-aids and bruises to match my bad attitude.  THENNNNN!!!!!:

Sara’s Parent Teacher Conference!  WONDROUS BEAUTIFUL PRAISES for the 20 minutes we spent high-fiving her teacher. There were rainbows and unicorns and fairies farting in melodious unison.  It was magical.  Followed by Kelly’s Daisy Scout Investiture in which I put on her pin.  I was SO PRESENT in that moment.  I was just finally SO WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.  How could I have been in a bad mood this morning?  How could I have not seen through the menial in order to understand that I was getting the one thing I wanted most?  Healthy, thriving children!  Life under the bell curve tastes like sugar-soaked pastry dough, covered in warm apples and cinnamon.

Me: OH!  GOD!  So this was IT!  All these years…you were trying to encourage me to practice and persevere!  THIS was what you needed me to do!  WOW.  Really God.  WOW.  I can’t believe it.  I think I get it and this is AWESOME.

God: Could you have fought me any harder?

Me: Nope.

God: I hope we’re done with this conversation for now.  You’re a Stay At Home Mom.  You married the right man. You’re a dedicated volunteer.  You’re a Writer.  YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN EXACTLY WHERE I NEEDED YOU TO BE.

Me: Oh man.  Duh.

Tonight:

And folks, this was to be my message.  I was coming here to hit publish and TO TELL YOU OF THESE THINGS I NOW KNOW.  I would impress you with the knowingness of the know.  I was going to look back over this sometimes heart-breaking struggle to raise a Twice-Gifted daughter and somehow stay present with our 2nd daughter….and I thought for those precious 10 minutes THAT I KNEW SOME THINGS. But before I could tell you arcane thoughts of how hindsight truly is 20/20:

We received the news that Sara cheated on her spelling test today. On words she knew so well, she could spell them forwards and backwards. ??

Me: REALLY GOD?  Really.  10 minutes.  I got to have a hold on this for 10 minutes.

God: You wanted a normal life.  You wanted normal experiences.  You begged to get under that bell curve.  Well honey, you’re under it now.

Me: You’re not funny.

God: Oh but I am.  Stay the course.

Me: WOULD YOU STOP ALREADY?!

Hindsight is maybe more like…20/40-ish.  Just when you think you’ve got a few things figured out, life comes back around to kick you straight in the teeth.  Only to help you back up.  Only to kick you….well, I don’t have to tell you.  You already know: Wisdom Comes Suddenly.