I love School Picture Day.  I love that Lifetouch hasn’t changed their packages or order forms in over 40 years.  I love tucking my antiquated check into the envelope, and licking the paper that won’t stick.  I love fretting over the decision between Package A and Package B, knowing I’m too cheap for B.  Who in the world needs 8×10’s, that by UNIVERSAL LAW, will SUCK? They are school pictures.  If they don’t totally stink, you’re doing it wrong.

And because they are guaranteed to be weird, I don’t argue with the girls about what they wear.  As long as it’s not faded with holes, it’s pretty much on the OK list.  So when Sara asked to wear a full-length gown, and Kelly requested velvet and pearls, I enthusiastically agreed.  Oscar Wild once said you can never be overdressed or over overeducated.  Oh Oscar.  We would have been friends.

As we were running late, I got this crazy idea to snap a last minute picture.  Before the rain ruined their hair.  Only seconds before Kelly dropped OJ all over this dress.  You know, before “TODAY” got out of bed and started tossing wrenches our way.  But in so doing, I accidentally unlocked a key to the Universe:

My normally smiley girls looked away with uncomfortably odd grins.  Wait.  Those are the faces they are supposed to make in their school pictures.  Were they warming up?  I thought, “Forget it, today has doom written on it, so let’s just get going”.  Because I was volunteering this morning, I got to watch them have their pictures taken.  CUTEST EXPERIENCE EVER.  If you’re ever having a bad day, sit and watch a group of 40 Kindergarteners get their school pictures taken.  It is the best parts of Americana wrapped up in a shiny bow.  Little boys wearing over-sized suit jackets and ties.  Little girls clomping around in huge Patton leather Mary Janes.  BRAIDS EVERYWHERE.  Talk about making my week.

But here’s the rub: Sara and Kelly both looked right at the camera lady, with perfect hair, and gave their most genuine smiles.  WAIT!  HEY!  I paid good money for bangs in the eyes.  Smudges of breakfast on the cheek!  Awkward glances in the wrong direction!  And then it hit me: by taking a picture before sunrise to make sure I had one good shot of them, I somehow assured they’d smile into the camera at school. I pulled a fast one on the Fates, who apparently after ordering the world’s nastiest rainstorm, assumed their job was done and slept in.  HA!

I’ve done it.  I’ve unlocked the dorky School Picture Unwritten Code.  You’ll need a curling iron, miniature formal wear, a glass of OJ, and a camera.  Run late, pray for really bad rain, get stuck behind a major accident, take a mediocre warm up picture, and voila.  You’re guaranteed somewhat decent school pictures.

Whatever you do, don’t tell the Universe I told you.  Tomorrow is Grandparent’s Day and I don’t want to jinx myself.  Before you ponder on what could possibly go wrong on Grandparent’s Day, let me remind you of the year Kelly decorated a puppet with bright pink pom pom boobies and showed it to a shocked room of 80 year olds.  Oops…gotta run, I hear a cat puking.  The Fates are up…