I have girls. I have a niece. I grew up with girls.  I am from a family with many girl cousins.  I was in a Sorority.  I know the score.  So when Sara begged me to buy these 2-sizes 2-large summer sandals last week on the $3 clearance rack, I acquiesced.  They are SHOES, after all.  And check out those genuine plastic gems!  I told her we’d put them aside until next summer, when they should fit.  And by “next summer”, she took that to mean “Thursday”.

After begging to wear them to school (on a 32 degree morning), she bartered wisely with, “I only want to show my Math Tutor.  Can I just wear them to my Math session?”  Wow…talk about bargaining.  She’s no dummy; I’m pretty sure Sara knows we’d buy her a pony if it would help her enjoy Math. When we got to school, she was cradling them in her arms, and when I asked her to tuck them into her backpack, she told me she really wanted to carry them into the school.  OH!  Ah-hah.  Sara thinks these are heels, and she wants the world to see her with them.  Carry away, little one.  I am not the kind of woman who stands between a young lady and her peep-toe wedges (my favorite style of shoe…how did she know?) She promised ONLY to math, and NOT to gym, which is why I picked her up from Acting Class clomping around in these shoes 3 hours AFTER Math tutoring.  I could barely contain my giggles.  I recall a certain little lady who begged to wear white strappy sandals with a wedge to her 6th grade graduation.  They matched her Valerie Bertinelli hair and mint green dress that came with a real sash. Not a baby-ish bow.  A SASH. Wasn’t I 12 years old just yesterday?

When we got home I had some tired ladies.  I know because when I played David Bowie’s “Under Pressure” at Kelly’s request, Sara cried.  When I played Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” at Sara’s request, Kelly cried. The whole scenario replayed itself with both crying when I refused to play “Yellow Submarine” over and over.  I’m the meanest Mommy in the world, in case you didn’t receive your newsletter. I’m pictured on the front cover behind bars with my list of recent offenses: (1) Would not allow us to eat several pounds of Halloween candy at one sitting, (2) Would not allow us to take Ring Pops to bed, (3) Sings Neil Diamond songs OUT LOUD in the minivan…

But you know Shoe Day had to end with the girls trying to push my buttons as a final coup de grace. Sara is underhanded and can turn my head red in an instant, but Kelly lacks Sara’s finesse.  When we got home, to get her point across, Kelly ripped off her pasta necklace and smashed it under her feet.  When I asked her to sweep it up, she squished up her face, got right up next to me and yelled, “I don’t EVEN believe in JESUS!”

Well now, that just does it.  She went and brought Jesus into it.  She knew she was in for a LECTURE, which was more of a SERMON, and let’s just say when your Momma is a Baptist, one shouldn’t speak poorly of The Jesus in order to get her attention.  “Keep it up, and I’ll rebaptize you myself, little one!”  I like to end with that.  Just the thought of being dunked under water with me overhead, yelling about the saving power of the Lord is enough to scare them into behaving.

Oh…daughters.  What a wacky and wild ride this is going to be.