Grandmommy Pinterest-ed Up our 4th of July table by re-purposing the sashes from the girls’ last flower girl dresses!

I love the number of conversations which start with, “I saw it on Pinterest”.  Turns out, we’re basically all the same animals, wishing we had a beach home, a ginormous kitchen, and a perfectly sculpted yard.  But what’s more fun than Pinterest is poking fun at Pinterest.  I’m as responsible for the list below as anyone:

(1) There isn’t a dipping sauce on earth that would make me want to eat cubes of lentils and tofu.

(2) There are no paint strips left in any store in America.  They’ve been stolen for crafts.  It’s all about the ombre baby.

(3) I’m not making my own cleaning supplies.  It ADDS work to cleaning…ADDS.

(4) The world loves holidays. With manic, late-night energy, we will re-purpose everything in our homes into decor. We are willing to go bankrupt buying shit which can be hung and draped on every surface of our domains.  It’s deep, this love for holidays.

(5) Forget exercise, sleep, and a healthy diet.  Pinterest is the root cause of the obesity epidemic. Don’t believe me? Alcoholic cupcakes.  Salted Caramel Cheesecake Bars. Toasted Coconut Caramel Peanut Butter Snickers Bars (I swear, I did NOT make that up).

(6) Glowsticks are far more useful than I could have ever known.

(7) All good decorating starts with bright blue chevron.  If you do not have a chevron pillow in your home RIGHT NOW, it’s like you’re not even trying.

(8) If pinners aren’t pinning, they are apparently reading a good book.  Chances are, it’s Harry Potter.

(9) Mudrooms MUST have lockers. White, tall, open-faced, bead-boarded lockers.  All other mudroom designs are obsolete.

(10) Silly String Gender Reveal Party.  Dumbest, worst, most hilarious wish-I-could-be-a-fly-on-the-wall idea ever.  And for that matter: Gender Reveal Parties…what the…??

(11) I don’t care what “one pinner says”, Chocolate Chip Banana Donuts are not a healthy snack.  Unless you live in the South, and then my apologies.  It’s sold at gyms and you are allowed to eat them on the treadmill.

(12) Barns are cool again. Very, very cool.  While I love the pictures, I can’t help but wonder where they stashed all the cobwebs and manure.  OH…WAIT…those aren’t REAL barns, are they? Those are like…city barns.  In this same tone: everyone loves.fancy.sheds. Ooh baby…nothing turns me on more than a shed with window boxes and landscaping.  I think humans secretly wish to be Lilliputians.

(13) The birthday cakes on Pinterest?  You CANNOT make them at home.  NO! STOP! Do not try it.  I repeat: do NOT try them.  They are 100% professionally made cakes, each one costing  hundreds of dollars.  Just swim in the reality Moms, and forgeddaboutit.

(14) French fishtail braid chignon.  Need I say more?

(15)  I’m pretty sure if I said all those things to my husband on those lists of things I’m supposed to say to my husband, he would either, (1) commit me to a mental hospital, (2) have my brain scanned for parasites, or (3) get so fed up with my sappy ass that he’d leave me for a nonverbal robot. I would not blame him in the least.

So, in summary, while I do love me some good Pinterest eye-candy, I’d like to say I’d love to have you over for a dinner party. A plain, regular dinner party.  It will not be held in a spotless barn or in my suddenly quaint backyard with electric lights dripping from my trees.  I won’t be serving butternut squash and chickpea cakes with a red onion marmalade for starters, followed by a main course made from a “almost the same as” recipe used by the Olive Garden, paired with Red Lobster’s cheddar biscuits, and finished off with a cake that has an opening where I can squeeze in a chocolate fondue fountain. My centerpieces won’t match the season, and my screened-in porch won’t be spilling onto an Italian-tiled veranda overlooking my gazing pool.

But you know what?  There will be fried chicken, and I will make you a pie.  I won’t worry if my house is spotless and my kitchen looks like a granite showroom.  We’re those kinds of friends.  I’d just like to split a bottle of wine and hear about what’s new with you.  Sound good?