As a huge fan of the movie “Grosse Pointe Blank” (I named a cat after John Cusak), I love the scene when Jeremy Piven admits he’s astonished by Cusak’s 10 disappearance.  “10 years MAN! 10! Ten. TEN YEEEAARS!”

A decade is a long time.  A true measure of time passing.  A nice, even number.  And today, as luck would have it (and I am so-very-lucky), I’ve been married to the love of my life for 10 years. TEN! Ten years. Damn baby, what a ride.

SO, to check your knowledge on how to spot a couple who has been married for 10 years, I’ve developed a quiz:

(1) Your husband not only snores, but makes a weird “poofing” sound as air blows out between his lips while he sleeps.  Your reaction is:

(a) How sweet!  He looks like an innocent little boy when he sleeps.  I’m so lucky to have a warm hubby in my bed.

(b) Is there a baby crying?  I can’t hear the baby over this noise.  I should go sleep in the baby’s room.  My baby is going to need me, and I won’t hear her because this MAN is in a COMA, not even realizing a BABY is in the next room.  Possibly dying.  For no reason.  I should go check.

(c) You punch him on the arm in his sleep.  Repeatedly.  Works every time.

(2) Your husband wants to get another pet.  You:

(a) Think it’s AMAZING how lucky you are to have found a man with a soft spot for animals.  I LOVE THIS MAN!

(b) Pets? We have pets? What if the cat jumps into the crib and smothers the baby?  Let’s rig up an elaborate system to keep the pets away from the baby until we’re sure we don’t have a baby-killing cat on the loose.  Do you hear the baby crying?  I should go check.

(c) No problem honey.  Just choose which of the cats we currently have that you’d like to kill, and then you can bring home whatever stray cat you like.

(3) Sex. Need I say more?:

(a) We’ve only had sex once today.  I was wondering when you were going to ask!  SURE!

(b) BABY! CRYING!  ARE YOU DEAF?

(c) Great!  But first…did I tell you that our daughter finally pooped today?  GOD! 2 days of fighting me over Miralax and water, but FINALLY.  I think we talk about her constipation more than her homework.  And the other kid, you know…the one who got your genes…got a note sent home for talking in class again.  I’m sorry, did you just ask me for something?

(4) Your husband gets short notice on an overnight business trip to Chicago (we live in the Midwest…it’s always Chicago):

(a) What? Don’t you love me anymore?  Why don’t you want to be with me every second of every day for the rest of our lives? Isn’t that what we promised in our vows? [insert tears]

(b) NO…YOU GO AHEAD.  I’ll stay home for with the CRYING BABY who has been crying in my ear for the past 10 hours. GO!  Go to Chicago! [insert tears]

(c) No problem honey.  You work too hard as it is. [Insert smile, followed by a ditching of dinner plans in lieu of pancakes for dinner, getting the kids to bed early, renting a romantic comedy and giggling with girlfriends on the phone.]

(5) People ask you how many children you’re going to have. You answer:

(a) It’s hard to say.  We love each other so much.  Sky is the limit!

(b) Could you repeat the question?  I couldn’t hear you over this baby crying.

(c) WE ARE DONE! We love OTHER people’s babies, but as for us?  Dun-dun-dun-dun…DONE!

(6) Dry-Cleaning:

(a) Honey, do you have any dry cleaning I can take with my load?  I love running errands for you!

(b) Dry-cleaning is for people who aren’t going to get puked on in any given 2 hour period.

(c) You have developed a very sly game known as “Dry Cleaning Chicken”.  The bag of clothes is moved from one side of the closet to the other, and doesn’t stop until a spouse puts it in the front seat of the other spouse’s car.  No words can be spoken, or you forfeit the win.

(7) Where do you want to go for dinner?:

(a) Wherever you want to go honey! I love whatever you love!

(b) Just order in.  This baby is going to scream all the way through dinner and we’ll be mortified in public.  Again.

(c) Here’s the plan so listen carefully: I’ll pick the kids up from school and give them a just big enough snack to survive until a later dinner because we have violin class, but not so much they won’t eat for you.  I’ll bring them to you, because I have a meeting at school.  I won’t be eating today.  No time. You take the girls home and feed Kelly, but not Sara, because she won’t take swim class on a full stomach.  Swim class, come home, feed Sara.  Eat the scraps, feed that hoard of cats you love, and leave me some leftovers so I can scarf something down at 9 pm.

(8) Someone in the house is sick:

(a) Mommy’s in charge.

(b) Mommy’s in charge.

(c) Mommy’s in charge.

(9) Something is stuck in the basement window well.  Its state of “aliveness” is in question:

(a) Daddy’s in charge.

(b) Daddy’s in charge.

(c) Daddy’s in charge.

(10) The only thing you know to be true on this earth is that you married the right person and every single day, you thank God for bringing him into your life:

(a) Absolutely.

(b) Absolutely.

(c) Times a factor of 10 years of children, cats, puking (human and feline), errands, decisions (one trillion to date and counting), school commutes, family movie nights, road trips, holidays, hugs, tears, fights, laughter (one trillion laughs to date and counting), loads of laundry, bills, doctor appointments, skinned knees, celebrations, hurdles jumped, disasters averted, blessings counted, apple pies, Christmas trees,dishes, toy repairs, lectures, fears, wins, losses, homework, projects, job changes, geography changes, grandparent funerals, baby showers, small appliance repair, large appliance replacement (ugh), lawns mowed, oil changes, TiVo date nights, popcorn (one trillion kernels popped and counting), in-laws, Happy Meal surprises, books, drama, and….love.  So, so, so much love. The only thing you know to be true is that you love him, more than all other things…he is the nexus of this tiny Universe, and you think you’re a genius for marrying him.

Happy Anniversary Greg.  I love you more than words can say (one trillion words used to date, and counting).

Answer key to the quiz: all (a) answers are used for couples married less than one year, all (b) answers are made around the 5 year anniversary mark, and all (c) answers are the 10 year anniversary.  But you knew that already, didn’t you?  Thank you for witnessing our journey. Godspeed to you as well.