Parting will be such sweet sorrow (and major drama, let’s not kid ourselves).

I have some news.  No scandal, no mystery, just news: we’re moving.  Can you believe we’ve been chatting and laughing and virtually clinking wine glasses in this house for almost 8 years? Good times, good times. I’ve got to say, when all 200,000 of you clink at the same time, it’s wicked awesome.

Greg’s job and the girls’ school are at the opposite end of the city from where we live, and after 6 years of commuting, we’re just plum worn out. Fresh start, here we come. Well, first, get the house ready, sell the house, pack up the house, throw away mountains of junk, find a new house…and THEN we’ll move…

I took on the worst of the mess first: THE CARPET.  There are 2 things which delight Mommas so much, they are better than Christmas: a newly detailed minivan, and clean carpet.  We shall refer to them as the Holy Grail of Motherhood.

I don’t even like to sit on the basement couch.  Microfiber is a scam, Man.

A year or so ago, I read about a green company named Zerorez (nerd alert: that’s a palindrome), and as luck would have it, they just opened an Indy branch. I have long wanted to clean our carpets, but with Sara’s Sensory Processing Disorder, she cannot stand strong smells.  Oh hell, she can’t stand any smells.  Sara is a human Bloodhound.  As well, with a Special Needs child, I always hesitate before bringing chemicals into her world.  She can barely tolerate food dyes, so carpet cleaner just turns my stomach.

Zerorez‘s technology uses Sodium Hydroxide to make “Empowered Water”, which is a fancy way of saying alkaline water (high pH). Dirt is generally acidic (low pH), so the dirt and water attract each other. The nice feature of using an alkaline-water as opposed to a soapy water, is that when water evaporates, there is no soap left behind to attract more dirt.  The old wives’ tale that getting your carpets cleaned means your carpets will get dirtier faster is actually scientifically sound.  The soap residue is alkaline, and dirt loves it.  No residue means no dirt attraction. No phosphate-based soaps means no nasty chemical smell in my house.

They used a counter-clockwise brush to get deeply embedded dirt loosened and…well…UM…YUCK! I’ve been walking on that!

I gave Zerorez a ring, and they assured me it would dry in 4-6 hours, and my house wouldn’t stink of chemicals, so I scheduled the carpets (basement and 2nd floor, as my first floor is wood), the first floor rugs, and the basement couch.  You could say I went all in. And while their technology isn’t quiet, it most certainly delivered as promised.  The technicians knew what they were doing, understood their product (I might have asked a few nerd questions), and they didn’t seem fazed by my creative stains (which is important, because you’ve seen what my kids do to my house.  Remember Jackson Pollock day?).  Jake did chuckle when he found Sara’s blue “paint the carpet” artwork, cleverly hidden behind her bedroom door.

 New couch!  I have a new couch! I can watch movies in the basement again!

But let’s forget about the stain removal for a moment (they’re all gone). Let’s set aside the marker streaks and God-knows-what they had to get out of my couches (3 couches, 5 different cats, and countless kids). We’ll even wait for a moment on the list of things they had to get out of my kitchen rugs.  Oh, sweet sassy molassey…my kitchen. You’ve watched me cook, and so have the Zerorez technicians. In the hours they were here, I made almost 30 jars of jam.  At one point, as the gooseberries were flying, I wanted to yell, “Just run!  Save yourselves!  It’s going to get ugly from here!” So setting aside the spotlessness they left behind, what was the one thing that mattered most to me?  THE SMELL.  When they finished, my house smelled like fresh air.  Not canned fresh air that you buy and spray around your house.  Not Yankee Candle’s “Fresh Air”.  JUST…PLAIN…FRESH…AIR.  I was stunned. I know America loves their scents, but as someone who cannot use scented anything on her skin, and worries about the chemical pools we’re living in,  I prefer the smell of nothingness. Where some may smell Honey Coco Mango Shampoo, I smell cancer. Think about it.  There ain’t no way you’re pouring HONEY on yo’ hair, and it’s coming out clean.  But I digress…

Don’t you just want to roll on it?  My kids certainly do, but I’ve encased them in plastic until this move is complete.

By the time I got the kids home, everything was soft and dry. It passed Sara’s sniff-test, which is a first.  This kid won’t even shower when we travel because “the water smells funny everywhere but at home”.  Sara took off towards the couches with buttery popcorn and my head popped off.  Luckily, tape is all the rage these days, so we had plenty to reattach my noggin’ as I wiped the girls’ greasy, salty hands. I may have to ask my family to move out.  They can’t be trusted with this kind of opulence.  I fear they are going to ruin Mommy Christmas.  I have proof: look at my minivan.  Better yet…don’t.

SO, as a thank you for witnessing the years I’ve spent ruining my carpets, Zerorez in Indianapolis, Indiana, is offering my Indianapolis readers the Friends and Family discount (25% off) any carpet-cleaning work booked and completed between now and October 18th.  Just mention my blog when you call or write in on their webpage.

Remember the Culinary Summer? So do my kitchen rugs.  It all came out. Even the tomato soup disaster. That was one nasty cooking lesson.

As well, I’m doing a giveaway to celebrate my clean house.  The first person to correctly guess any of the 3 things already dropped on my carpet will receive a $10 Starbucks Gift Card. Your autumn Pumpkin Spiced Latte is on me.  Hint: think outside of the box; at least 1 of the messes wasn’t a food. The good news is that everything dropped, splattered, and/or spilled on my rugs cleaned up without a trace.

Buckle up my friends, it’s going to get crazy from here.  And as always, Godspeed to all of you, wherever your home may be.

*Full disclosure: I was one of Zerorez’s first Indy clients, so they did not charge me.  That being said, I was so pleased with their work, I am happy to be the first blogger to welcome them to Indy. Starbucks isn’t giving me squat. Dear Star-to-the-Bucks, you should pay me, if only to reimburse me for my favorite lavender cashmere sweater forever ruined by a Pumpkin Spice Latte.  It would be the polite thing to do.*