I cracked a joke about my life insurance last week, and Greg gently reminded me, “Honey, you don’t have life insurance.  You remember, don’t you?” Oh. Right. A couple of run-ins with the gangs we’ll call “skin cancers” means insurance companies see me as a bad influence. Greg, in his relentlessly sunny outlook, reminded me all the money in the world won’t buy what I give to this family.  He’s sweet.  As tears came out of nowhere, I uttered some disheartening words, “I’m not making any money, dead or alive”.

And on these words my thoughts centered for the rest of the week, which are not new or novel thoughts to Stay At Home Moms. The lingering regrets of paying our way through college, and then dedicating a decade or more to a meaningful career, only to have walked away from it, are hard feelings to swallow.  Aside from worrying about our legacies, we worry about the lessons we’re teaching our children, especially daughters.

Rather than whisk these worries away (swimming, just keep swimming), I SAT on them.  I really let those feelings live inside my chest, until the answers came.  After much reflection as to what my daughters are learning from me, I made a list of “What I’m Teaching My Children”. So, as is my tradition:

 

Dear Sara and Kelly,

 

Photo Courtesy of Mark Dickhaus Photography

Be present in your marriage.  This simple phrase is so much harder than it sounds. After a full day of wiping butts and noses, stuffing veggies down the throats of ungrateful mac-n-cheese-aholics, saying no to requests for candy, playing Zingo until your brain has frozen into a motionless cube of grey matter, and folding laundry that will re-filth itself in a day…when your husband asks you for anything at all, your first response will invariably be, “MY LORD MAN.  You’re an adult.  GET IT YOURSELF.” This will be the wrong response.  He’s checking to see if he lands anywhere on your map of “things I care about”.  Get him the beer and give him the kiss.  Again, this is harder than it sounds. I can hear your Father from his office right now, “SHE SCREWS THIS UP ALL THE TIME!” Yes, yes I do.  But I do try.  And when it’s all said and done, you know he’s my favorite person in the house, which is as it should be.

 

Be present in the lives of your children.  This will also be harder than it sounds. You will fret the little things.  You will lose your temper and lose sight of the big things. So when you’re standing at the crossroads of doubt, just STOP…and be PRESENT.  Listen to your inner voice, and ask for help. Your children don’t care if you sewed the costume by hand, or bought it online at midnight after an exhausting day.  They don’t care if you packed the lunch or bought it.  They only care that you know what they want to be for Halloween, and you know what they like to eat at lunch .  Little people aren’t so much different than adults in their needs; they need to be known. They long to be understood.  They have oddly persistent addictions to cheese covered pasta dishes. You don’t have to be perfect to be the world’s greatest witness. You just have to show up and be emotionally present.

 

My 40th Birthday, Photo Courtesy of Mark Dickhaus Photography

Feed your friendships.  They will sustain you. That’s all I need to say on this topic, because you’re fairly sick of listening to me scream with laughter when I am with my friends. When you grow up, I’ll overhear you telling your kids, “Grandma is hosting another movie night with her gals. We’ll have to call her later. I can’t be certain, but I think she’s worn out 10 copies of Magic Mike by now…just don’t ask.”

Feed your family. In your attempts to do this, “experts” will swirl around you, proclaiming there is a nutritional end game.  It will be very confusing, and more than just a little frustrating. I hope if I’ve taught you anything at all, it’s to eat plain, simple, real food and serve it with love. Someone asked me last week after eating my apple pie about my pie-making secrets.  “I thought of you, and how grateful I was for you as I baked it. That’s it.” And that’s the God’s-honest truth. My pie recipe is straight out of Betty Crocker, but I’d never attempt one in a bad mood. If I find myself too emotionally exhausted to love cooking for too many days in a row, I know it’s my signal to change the schedule.

Allow your living to renew you. There are things in life that may needlessly drain you (i.e. toxic people).  Be determined in getting these things out of your space.  There are things that will naturally renew you (hobbies, days to yourself).  Bathe in them as much as possible.  There are things that ride the fence (Monday night dinner, mopping the floors, running errands). Things that must be done, are good to get done, but feel like chores. On these, just change your perspective.  Imagine energy coming up from the earth through your feet as you do them. Allow your soul a chance to speak to you.  Sometimes I choose silence, sometimes I do the grocery shopping while listening to my favorite music, sometimes I mop the floor with my favorite movies playing in the background.  I thank God for the sun spilling in the windows as much as I thank God for the rainy days which make me feel cozy and reflective. I strike up positive conversations with cashiers.  I smile at strangers at the UPS store. I light candles on the dinner table on random week nights. I draw energy from my life, as much as I infuse energy into the world around me.

Be relentless in your lifelong learning.  I’m certain Daddy and I taught you “Education” is our family’s top priority. We’ve made sacrifices in almost all other categories in order to put your education first. Always be learning something new, from anywhere you can.  The 20 year old neighbor might have the wisdom you need today, or maybe it’s the wise friend who has seen it all.  You might learn it in a book.  You might watch a tutorial.  Take a class.  Go to a conference. You might decide to chuck it all and teach yourself. You may not even be on the learning curve and something will fly right at you.  Be open to it. Learn the hard things.  Learn the easy things. Get up every day, and see what this world has to teach you. The beauty of life is your can never run the learning well dry. It’s such a blessing.

Be as generous as you can with your time, talents, and charitable giving. This will NOT be harder than it sounds.  This will be awesome. Find what matters to you, and be its champion. And then zip up your ego, and ask yourself not what you can teach to it, but what it can teach to you. Volunteerism is a 2-way street, and will open up parts of your conscious you didn’t even know were there. If you feel like your life is lacking dimension, look outside of yourself, and what God needs you to do will probably be right in front of you.

After you’ve poured yourself out into the world around you, make sure you’ve saved a little something for yourself.  Take care of yourself.  You’re no good to anyone broken.  Some days this will be effortless.  Some days this will require a bit of selfishness.  Some days this will feel absolutely impossible. Some days you’ll wake up lost in your own story.  Some days, you’ll be found.  Be patient with yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Laugh and laugh and laugh, and if you can’t laugh, find a friend who can laugh for you. Stop trying to be perfect, or waste time presenting a perfect version of yourself to the world. Ain’t nobody buying that perfection-crap anyway.  That being said, if you’re great at something, people may doubt you.  Be great anyway. Walk away from other’s insecurities before they pollute your world with their nonsense. You’re going to mess some stuff up.  You’re going to beat yourself up.  Stop. Now. Learn, try again, or move on…you’re not the first person to fall off the bike of life. I am. I totaled that stupid bike.

I haven’t taught you to be a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a scientist…or even a writer.  God, I hope I haven’t taught you to be a writer, or if I have, I hope you make more money than I do! I haven’t taught you how to get rich, or to be heavily insured. However, I have taught you how to live, and how to be hard to kill. I’ve taught you how to lean into life, and to love the journey. You know…I think that’s good.  I think I’m finally OK with this completely fabricated existential crisis. Wisdom Comes Suddenly.

 

*This post is dedicated to Amie and Cindy, whose friendships have followed me around the world and back again. These two women have never, not even on my worst days, allowed me to lose sight of why I chose to stay home. Their love clung to me when the Grandmother “who loved me into being” died unexpectedly, leaving me so grief-stricken, I got cancer. Their love brought me back. They are my “colleagues”, my noon-day laughter, and the trusted keepers of my darkest fears. As we choose to live in the light, may God keep us together.*