I wrote in “Welcome To Mayberry” about the many new lessons we’re learning while living with a family in an apartment. Gosh guys, I wish I had learned all I need to know. Ha! It’s funny thinking back at my naïve assumptions, just a mere 2 weeks ago. Who will I be 2 weeks from now? If you are guessing heavily medicated and in a straight jacket, you are wrong. My girlfriends all live within walking distance from me and a nearby bar. I’ll be THERE.

Newest Lessons In Apartment Adventure Living:

(1) Remember when I complained about my neighbor’s obsession with steak and onions? SO SORRY I complained. That scent has been replaced with a mold and mildew stench emanating from my furnace/hot water heater closet. My initial rookie attempts to quell the scent with febreeze were futile, at best. I’ve moved to a bottle of bleach solution, and after 48 hours of solid warfare, I’m beginning to accept my defeat. And accepting my need to call maintenance…AGAIN. The property manager mentioned the previous tenant was here “very, very briefly”. I now know why. He’s dead, and his body is stuffed behind my hot water heater.

(2) Speaking of maintenance, we’ve moved from me gifting them homemade biscuits, straight into, “you must be joking”. They’ve taught me how to trip all of the breakers, so I can stop calling every time I lose power in the kitchen. Why one would create a circuit containing the TV and Computer access points which shares a line with the microwave, dishwasher, and stove is beyond me. I only know I can trip it just by walking past the microwave. Maintenance must work by some crazy “Rule of 2”. Everything breaks, and it takes 2 visits to fix it. 2 on the broken hot water heater. 2 for the broken furnace fan. 2 for the circuit problem. The dryer is broken, and they swore they fixed it yesterday by cleaning something in the attic? Clearly…it’s fixed. Which is why my clothes are still wet after a full drying cycle. Got to run that dryer TWICE! Rule of 2! I warned them to shut the attic access tightly after leaving, because there is a hornet’s nest above my bathroom. Hornets all over my bathroom mirror was a lovely “Good Morning To Ya’!” last week. They didn’t believe me, and laughed all the way upstairs with their ladder. Those maintenance guys weren’t laughing on their way back down. I never joke about hornets. And for that matter, who the hell jokes about hornets?!

(3) Despite the stings, I needn’t be concerned about the Fix-It guys’ willingness to come back. When they were here yesterday, I set off the fire alarm. Twice (proving I’m in their “2” club…I like to fit in). I’m sure they think I’m trying to burn this place down, so they probably camp out nearby, just in case.

(4) Here’s where it gets saucy, so the under 18 crowd should look away: our master bedroom headboard shares a wall with our neighbor’s master bedroom headboard. We clearly retire at the same time at night. Not funny enough? Our husbands have the same name. Oh yeah, baby. I’m fairly certain the wife giggled and winked at me when we passed each other yesterday.

(5) We’ve been living in bathroom opulence these past 9 years. Now that we’re in one, it’s amazing how efficient we can be. At 7 am last Friday, Sara was in the shower, Kelly was brushing her teeth, Greg was shaving, and I was ironing a shirt, all in one bathroom. We could live in that one room if it weren’t for the hornets. And Sara’s demands that I clean the tub every time she bathes. “Daddy uses this shower Mommy! EW!!! He’s a BOY!”

I’m attempting to write this post while baking banana bread, so just to be safe, I turned off the TV and the microwave. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to turn my dryer on…yet again. Where did I leave my can of Raid? If I don’t show back up in this space soon, I’m probably dead and stored near the furnace (whatever you do, don’t call Maintenance…it would take them 2 trips to find me).

*Don’t forget to enter my Getting to Yum Giveaway! You have until Friday to leave a comment about what you’d like to teach your family to eat, and you are entered in a chance to win Karen Le Billon’s latest and greatest taste-training and recipe guide!*