The list below won’t surprise anyone with school-aged children. In fact, it’s almost guaranteed that anyone with kids will say these exact phrases several times during any given year. What I find astonishing is that I’ve said this entire list within the last 24 hours.

(1) Stop hiding your homework in the freezer!

(2) Who got syrup on the toilet seat? Forget it. I don’t want to know.

(3) How have you outgrown your underwear again? Do you slurp growth hormones in your sleep?

(4) How on EARTH do 20 pairs of socks lose their mates?! My head is going to pop off if you lose one more sock!

(5) It’s 95 degrees outside, so NO, you are not wearing a full-length wool coat to school.

(6) No, you can’t sleep underneath your beds on a school night, and that’s final.

(7) Why is there a half-eaten granola bar stuck to the bumper of the minivan?

(8) Stop putting lipstick on the cat.

(9) You got kicked in the head? Did you deserve it?

(10) You took a shower? Did you use soap? Let me smell your head. Oh heavenly sticky honey, you forgot to wash out the conditioner. And I’m checking your toothbrush at bedtime. It had better be wet.

(11) Is that a half-eaten hard-boiled egg on the floor of the car? Ah! Someone grab my head, quick! Before it pops off!

(12) Excuse me, but there are gym shoes on my kitchen table. Where I eat. Smelly, sweaty shoes ON the table. Is my head popping off? Because it feels like it’s popping off.

(13) Where are the leaves for your leaf project? The ones we picked in St. Louis and hauled back across two states? You didn’t pick them up off the floor. The cat ate them, and threw up all day. I think you found a new creative spin for your assignment, although gluing cat puke may be difficult.

(14) WHO DRIED MY BATHING SUIT WITH THE TOWELS?!

(15) You lost your recess for throwing…dirt? At whom? Why? How much? Whose idea was this? Why? What…you know what? Go tell your Father. And no more telling me you keep forgetting the rules of the playground. If you’re clever enough to shower without soap without getting caught, hide your laundry in the toy basket, and eat candy under your bed, you can remember “NO THROWING DIRT AT YOUR FRIENDS”.

Good God I love these monkeys. Life would be so unimaginably boring without them.