Not so much a scarf, as a cancer.

I’m less of a trend-follower, and more of a trend-noticer.  As a purist consignment shopper, I have to beg out of most trends, using the claim, “I’m eclectic”, or “I like a more classic look”. That’s my way of saying I’m too cheap to shop at the Mall. However, I’ve noticed scarves have staying power this time around, filling up the second hand stores. As they have progressed into our wardrobes, I can’t help but also notice they are getting bigger. Like…MUCH BIGGER. Like…I think they may be DEVOURING OUR BODIES bigger.

Let’s take a walk through Pinterest and do some research, shall we?

This scarf has eaten her boobs. Her twin ladies were lunch. Her titty-tangs have been digested by knit.

Oh my God. Call for help! This scarf has eaten my arm, and most of my hand! Just the one! I don’t know why JUST THE ONE!

She might be entirely naked under here. You don’t know. She may not even know.

Having swallowed her hoo-hoo dillies, this scarf is now headed for her cha-cha. Not good. Not good at all.

Brain-eating scarf. Tragedy 101.

Your music teacher from 1982 called. She wants her scarf back.

We call this, “The whole world is your gynecologist” scarf. Or more delicately, the “I see London, I see France” technique.

Oh my God Becky! I’m wearing knit on my torso, my neck, and my head! My knit stole your knit’s boyfriend. SERIOUSLY.

This is NOT KNIT! It’s an actual LEOPARD! HELP ME!!!!

Remember when the chefs starting throwing different flavors together and calling it “fusion”? This is fusion-scarving. Plaid meets punk. It tastes as bad as it looks.

The opposite would be deconstructionist-scarving. I’ll admit it. I kind of want this scarf. I’m a rebel, and I like…twigs.

Camo AND monogramming? We’ve got the Belle of the South right here. The Scarlet O’Hara of scarves. This scarf may NOT be worn north of the Mason-Dixon line.

I’m breezy! And warm. Wait. Am I more breezy, or am I more warm? Well, I mean I’m freezing. Faux-leather jackets are NOT warm, per se. Screw it. I’m breezy.

Scarves, HERE! Come get your SCARVES, HEEE-RAH!

Because it morphs as you wear it, we call it the amoeba-scarf. It will eat you differently, every single day.

Yes, I always look like I JUST left the beach. But it was chilly…which is why I’m wearing a scarf. With flip flops and a tank top.

When you are fully eaten by your scarf, you become a scarf zombie, as shown above.

Your awesome zombie colors eventually fade, and you look like this, aka, the 7th layer of scarf hell.

Unless you’re eaten by a head scarf, in which case you will suffer from sudden scarf death. A scarf postmortem patient is pictured above.

Just say no to head scarves you guys. It only takes one scarf to kill you.

This scarf beat your scarf for Prom Queen.

We look ridiculous.

NO, we don’t.

We look like knit-twins! This is stupid!

Shut up and try to look natural. Like we were supposed to call each other and check outfits?

You’re right. We’re not in middle school. OK. We look awesome. We are 7 feet tall, after all.

Just promise me you’ll never do this. N-E-V-E-R. I’m not kidding…pinkie swear this very second.

Cover your heart, Indy!

I’m being eaten by a boa constrictor, a boa constrictor, a boa constrictor…

No, really, don’t take my picture. I’m in Scarves Anonymous. And Louis Vuitton Anonymous. And Kate Spade Ballet Flats Anonymous.

I’m just going to say it: No matter how complex the technique, the scarf looks the same. Like a tangled mess of crap.

Above you see the drape, wrap, wrap again, tuck, pull-under, and tie technique, or DWWATPUATT, for short.

My case in point. Finished look? Turd pile around your neck.

What was I supposed to pick up at the store? Ugh. I can’t remember! This scarf has been cutting oxygen off to my brain for months. Can’t…take…it…off…

If you’ve enjoyed our review of female-eating scarves, please leave a comment, and I shall proceed with other trends. I think we all know what needs to be tackled next:

The Dreaded Chest-Eating Necklace Trend.

DUDES. I’d need to halo brace to hold that thing up.

“I’m wearing the entire sun around my neck! SELFIE!”