Good Evening. My name is Cyrus Johnson, and it’s lovely to make your acquaintance. Please accept my apologies if we’d held conversations before tonight. I have a terrible memory for humans because, A) I’m a cat, and B) I’m a terrible drunk. Sorry, that was an inappropriate joke, considering we may/or may not have just met. I’m really not a drunk, except on kitten food, and let me tell you…I’ll go to GREAT lengths to steal kitten food. I’ll cut you if I have to.

Why, as the Court Jester of this house, am I looking so serious? Well, if you have a moment…take a glance at what lies behind me: that’s a S#*&-Load of cats. What has gotten into me tonight? I’m cursing like a Pit Bull. But I can’t help myself! A) I’m terribly high on kitten formula, and B) That’s just a CRAPLOAD of cats, people!

When these infants arrived, I expected a renegotiation of my contract. The care involved with these 2 is astronomical. I have to teach them how to clean their ears, how to use a litter box, how to flip litter all over the floor, how to attack feet while hiding under beds, how to do a 3 am human breathing check, and that’s not even TOUCHING on the Gym Classes. I’ve taught them Hide-and Seek, Soccer, Karate (in our studio in the sitting room which the family has respectfully left void of furniture so I can conduct proper lessons), King of the Stairway, and Playing Dead by the Fire. I am exhausted! And what is my new compensation? Nothing! Nada! I tried to even the score by taking some liberties with the kitten formula, and I was scolded. I EARNED THAT FORMULA.

And who do you think does the babysitting around here? Sydney? You must be joking. That fat-old lady is available as a pillow, and very little else. She’s happy to nap with these squirts, and if she’s feeling generous, she’ll help me out with an occasional bath. If I ask for REAL help, she pulls the, “What did you say? I can barely hear you now that I’m a Grandma. Have I shown you pictures of my grandbabies? They are amazing!” So actual CHILDCARE? That’s all me. The humans take off for school, work, errands…not even so much as a, “Hey Cy! Mind watching the babies? Could you keep them alive while we’re gone?” I’m chilling in the basement, minding my own business, and the next thing I know, the kittens have knocked every candle off the kitchen table. A heads up would have been great HUMANS! An extra can of tuna for my troubles would be REALLY great…HUMANS!

Look, it’s not that I mind the company. We’ve done a lot worse in the cat department (i.e. Dagny, but that’s just gossipy, and again, my apologies). It’s just that I was hoping their appearance would come with a little extra something for me. OH. Wait just a second. One of the babies just woke up….LOOK! He’s stretching! He’s JUST THE BEST LITTLE STRETCHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD! Come here Baby! You woke up from your nap?! Do you need a cuddle? And a kiss? You took a GOOD nap! Yes you DID! I wub you Ruffio, yes I DO! YES I DO!

I’m sorry. I was distracted for a moment. What were we talking about?