My very favorite question since getting the kittens has to be, “Do you KNOW you have FOUR CATS?”

WHAT? WE HAVE FOUR CATS!! I had no idea. I’m so glad you counted that up for me! THANK YOU!

The B version goes like this:

WMF (Well-Meaning Friend): You got kittens! How sweet! WAIT. HOLD ON. How many cats do you have now?

Me: We have four.

WMF: DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVE FOUR CATS?

Me: WHAT?! 1,2,3….what the….??? SARA! Go get the calculator!!

The crazy cat family comments follow, but those aren’t new. We descend from a crazier cat family: My in-laws bring cats to Christmas, so when we went home, the house contained 5 cats, none of them ours…well…actually 6, because the neighbor cat stops by every day for a treat. Pepper. I hate that cat. Our homes don’t smell like cats, as either the cats or their litter are primarily outside of the house. (Long story, but our litter boxes are in the garage.) Cats are quite clean, if you know how to pick them. And hair? I have daughters with brushes. Need I say more?

Still, the “You have FOUR cats” comments beg for a reply, so I do have one: if you were to add the body weight of all four of our cats, it would be the equivalent of half a Labrador. HALF. Added bonus: I don’t have a yard covered in poop. No slobber. No bathing. In fact, my FOUR cats make less noise and mess in one year than an average dog makes in a month. We don’t have skittish cats, but when visitors come, they hide, unless they sense a cat person has arrived. I wish I could say the same for dogs (I don’t dislike dogs, but I have a horrible fear of them). They sense I’m a non-dog person, and my lap is their domain. I do have exceptions to my dog-fear, after I get to know them, but it’s an exceptionally short list (Hi Tucker! Hi Lucy! Hi Joy!).

Another way to solve this math conundrum is to calibrate the equation vs. children. Greg and I always thought we’d have 3 kids, but biology had other plans. 4 cats is the equivalent work of 1/1 billionth of a child. I’m being generous to the cats, because I want them to feel like they count for one full unit of work. They don’t, even considering the kittens are currently getting bathed. HILARIOUS. Penny (whom I call Sparky) likes to sit under the hair dryer on my lap. They do leave their tiny, shiny soccer balls all over the living room. Crazy kids. I mean…cats.

But, in fairness to the reasonable question from well-meaning friends and family, YES, we have FOUR cats. One per person, because on family movie night, I got tired of us fighting over who gets the furry pillow. Ask me how many times the girls have quarreled over who gets to hold the kitten? ZERO TIMES. One kitten per kid. Now that’s some genius Mommy Math. In fact, they are down the hall right now, quietly playing house with their babies.

You know what? I’m glad we had this chat today, because I think I’ve discovered a far more gracious response. “We do have four cats. Four really, really good ones.”

Thanks. I’m glad we had a chance to meet over a cup of coffee of talk this through. Catspeed, my dear friends. Catspeed.